Saturday 18 May 2019

Annual Eurovision Cheese Fest

It's that time of year again, folks.

If you are new to my blogs then you won't be aware of just how much I love Eurovision.  It has been a family tradition since the children were small to eat cheese, complete spreadsheets and watch the best, most camp song contest ever invented.  So here goes.

This year it's just the Long Suffering Husband and me.  The dog isn't talking to me and the children have grown up to do their own exciting party related things.

Expect the unexpected.

A quite unexpected start.  Tel Aviv: not exactly Europe and a woman with blue lips.  Maybe she should get her heart checked. I think that's something you think when you get to my age and you see blue lips.

The expected is the sound quality seems a bit naff but the fireworks are good and Graham Norton seems to be on fine form.

My spreadsheet categories are song, costume, instruments, staging and performance.  We give points out of 10 for each and add them at the end.  I know this is biased towards those who play instruments live on stage but I'm a musician.

What does happen on third dates?  I'm old enough to think that you go to the cinema.  According to the host in the dress that makes her look naked, you get ghosted.  The LSH is thrilled that he knows what that means now that he has been educated by our lovely daughter.

Malta - Ooh.  Look at that dance.  I saw that being practised in a park in Tokyo.  Hair twiddling.  An irritating start.
The dog has commented - pew!
This chameleon thing isn't really working - her clothes are staying white. She can be a jungle.  Let's hope she'd never in a jungle, she'll be picked off by lions straight away.  She's also got two shadows.  Doesn't that mean she's the devil, or something? The crowd are having a great time.  Graham says it's one of her better performances.  No one ever wins who goes first.

Albania -  It must be very depressing in Albania.  Singing a circle of hellfire.  Albania always have very dark sounding songs.  I expect Greece will like it.  It will make them grateful for all their blue sky and sea. Do you remember Evanessance?

Czech Republic - I like these boys.  They're smiley and dressed like Star Trek characters.  I'm worried for the guitarist - the red shirt always dies.  They have instruments, which is great.  The LSH wonders why they are dressed as the Belgian flag and isn't too keen on their Dick Van Dyke accents. Only a friend of a friend of a friend.  Do you know this person?  I'm confused.

Germany - She's tired.  I know how she feels.  You've got to love those big hoop earrings if you are from Essex.  Nice harmonies but why only for three notes.  I don't think they are sisters. Sorry for the drummer?  They haven't got a drummer. It's a nice chain.  The waterfall fireworks are nice.    They're pleased with that.

Russia - I liked this a lot.  Too busy eating cheese to tell you why.

Denmark - This is a nice little Eliza Doolittle type song. and she's very pretty and has pockets in her skirt. We disagree with Mr Norton.  We like the staging and the big chair.  I don't think it will do very well and it won't get many points in my score but I'd listen to it again.

San Marino - They can't win it will bankrupt San Marino to host.  It might do well.  People like a na na na song.  There's no worries about remembering the words.  He wasn't meant to sing in tune but he's doing well.  We like this one. My daughter says that the pub she's in in London are all singing along.

North Macedonia - How many Macedonias are there now?  North North East Macedonia.  I didn't think it was that big a country.  Who are the children?  I have so many questions about this.  Normally I'd love a power ballad but I'm distracted by being able to see her bra and a need to look on a map.

CHEESE BREAK
Drinking to Terry.

Sweden - That's quite a voice but I think it is too late for love, especially if you want to splash my dog. They are pleased.

Slovenia -  These two are bit intense.  Romantic or creepy - Graham asks us to decide.  They are only 4 notes in and we've decided - creepy.  The LSH thinks he must have a spot on his chin she wants to squeeze.  What is it with all the white clothes this year?  We are desperate for colour.  This is boring as well as creepy.  He's thinking that he can leave her as soon as this contest is over.

Cyprus -  She's wearing a lampshade.  I'm a bit distracted by whether she's wearing pants or not.  The song isn't bad and she's very pretty.  I'd like to be able to wear a lampshade and look that good. They are good dancers and I like the hats.  In daughter's WhatsApp messages Cyprus has become cytomegalavirus.  She's just asked me what that is.  Worrying.

Netherlands - I'm biased against Holland because it was freezing cold when I went to Amsterdam but he is playing his own instrument and is the kind of man I like to look at with moody skies.  It's a bit boring.  Loving me is a losing game.  He's quite right.  I don't think the bookies are right.

Greece - This is weird. Fencing and singing dressed as a 1970s Wedding shouldn't mix.  Who you waiting for?  Graham enjoyed that.  He's drunk, right?

Israel - They don't want to win this. No one can host twice in a row.  That's quite a bushy moustache.  They have adopted the conservative party photo stance.  He is someone.  The LSH thinks he's Rylan.  I wish he was.  I love Rylan.  That's a bit emotional.

Norway - Extra points for Yodeling.  Fred is cool.  It's nice and poppy.  Shame it's raining.  They've lit Fred's farts.  I have a sudden urge to see the Northern Lights.

Brace yourselves.

At the MYO Eurovision last night the kids representing the UK said, "There's no point. No one votes for us anyway," and played one long note on the clarinet representing splendid isolation.
It's bigger than us.  Is it just me or has he lost a lot of weight?  Maybe an attempt to prove that it is bigger than us. He's a nice lad.  He's living his dream. Back to the Waffle shop.

Iceland - Pop Granny in the hall.  Ooh, it's a bit bondage.  It is making me laugh.  Hell has always looked more fun.  It's like Lordy. That did well.  He looked like he forgot what to do next. I quite like it.  Maybe I've had too much cheese.

Estonia - This is a familiar sounding song.  There's a lot of stage sky.

Belarus - High energy girls in pants always do well.  we have some sing along potential too.  Dum da da dum. I do like it.

Azerbaijan - Live robotic heart surgery .  I like an anatomically correct heart. This is good staging. Shut up about it.  Seems a bit rude. Reminds me of Scissor Sister.  I think it will do well.  I'm not sure about this wailing.  Impressive set of lungs.

France - I love his ballet dancer.  Do you remember the fairy in Wilow the wisp? What is the patting about? People in Eurovision like these themes of being who you are.  Could this be France's year?
I'm not impressed with yet more white outfits.

Italy - Extra points for that shirt.  I'm fed up with white.  It will do well audience participation clapping.  It's not my kind of song. but I agree it does hurt to be alive.

Serbia - Parker pens on her arms and her dress tucked in her knickers - shark tail effect.  Don't put a magnet near her.  Shouty power ballad.  That's clever - she's singing without moving her mouth.  More clouds and sky.

Switzerland - Everyone go.  I have nothing to say about this.  Meh!  They like it in the hall.  I obviously know nothing about music!

Australia - Disney princess on a pole - Frozen meets night at the opera.  This is the best ever staging. If you are going to have sky like everyone else then at least make everyone feel properly sick.  This has to win.  It's AMAZING.  I don't want to see any others.  Australia have my heart.  I don't even care that it's not in Europe.  Graham says, "If Windscreen wipers could sing." Well, they can Graham.  They can!

Spain - Celebrity squares.  You know that moment when you can't get wi-fi and you have to go from room to room.  At least there's colour.  La vida loca.  The LSH thinks he looks like a minature David Hasslehoff.  This is high energy.  It's doing well to follow Australia.  Such fun.

That's it.  Time for the votes and my scores.
And more cheese.



country song costume instruments staging performance Total
Australia 10 10 0 10 10 40
Russia 10 9 0 10 10 39
Netherlands 7 8 9 8 7 39
Czech Republic 9 8 6 5 9 37
San Marino 8 8 0 8 10 34
Spain 10 9 0 8 7 34
France 8 8 0 7 10 33
Estonia 9 7 0 7 8 31
Azerbaijan 9 6 0 8 8 31
Germany 8 7 0 8 7 30
Cyprus 7 9 0 6 8 30
UK 7 7 0 7 8 29
Belarus 8 7 0 5 9 29
Iceland 4 9 0 6 9 28
Denmark 10 7 0 5 5 27
Norway 8 6 0 6 7 27
Malta 5 6 0 7 8 26
Albania 6 6 0 6 8 26
Israel 6 6 0 6 6 24
Greece 5 4 0 7 5 21
Serbia 3 5 0 4 8 20
Finland 5 6 0 6 2 19
Italy 4 3 0 4 4 15
North Macedonia 5 2 0 2 3 12
Switzerland 2 2 0 2 2 8
Slovenia 0 0 2 0 0 2

This is my spreadsheet.

Spain is most popular in the London pub my daughter is in.

I love Christopher Biggins.  He should have won when he was in it.
The interval show is great.

I've just remembered that most of the votes have been during the rehearsals, so they have voted on different performances to those that we have watched.

Is that Madonna?  Never.  What happened to her eye?  I think she might have fallen on Australia's pole.
She says they're all winners but there will be mostly losers.
Is that her performance?
This project things makes me feel like I'm on holiday but they are all going to be sucked into a burning wormhole.

I'm bored now.  Still awake and missing Terry Wogan, so I'm listening to the Floral Dance instead.

The Queen herself is about to perform.

Gregorian chanting.  Seems appropriate.  She's doing a good Madonna impression.
A bit flat, off her face or a Cadbury's fruit and nutcase.  We can't decide.

Voting: 41 countries.

Portugal. A lady in a red nose T shirt. 12 points Netherlands
Azerbaijan. Skinny tie. douze point to Russia.
Malta - Ben smiley Ben.  12 points Italy.
North Macedonia - He's proud.  Nice building. 12 points Italy.
San Marino - Another nice castle.  Douze points Italy.  San Marino is in Italy, right?
Netherlands - Emma is a crazy flamingo - 'Thank you for Madonna's out of tune' 12 points Sweden.
Montenegro - Ida has lost a sleeve.  12 points Serbia.  Serbia have a lot more points than we'll get.
Estonia - She's a robot. 12 points Sweden
Poland - He's quite a character. 12 points Australia.
Norway - Alexander.  He's sweet. They gave us 2 points!!!! 12 points to Czech Republic
Spain - That dress could have been part of the set.  12 points Sweden
Austria - Equality.  They do have nice buildings in Austria, why isn't he standing in front of one.  12 points North Macedonia.
UK - Rylan and Tower Bridge.  12 points North Macedonia.  What were we thinking?
Italy.  Showing her asses by the Collesium. 12 points Denmark.
Albania - 12 points North Macedonia.
Hungary - They gave us 2 points!  Thank you for the feeblest show.  Can he say that?  12 points to Czech Republic.
Moldova - She's a bit scary.  12 points. North Macedonia.
Ireland - Sinnead - 12 points Sweden.
Belarus -  Goodnight Maria - Nice dress and they gave us 5 points. 12 points to Israel.
Armenia - another 2 points for us.  I'll say it. It's a terrible top.  A plether bib is always useful for wiping clean.  12 points Sweden.
Romania - Inca. Dressed as the Genia - who rubbed the lamp?  I love a yodler.  12 points Australia.
Cyprus - 12 points to Greece.  What a surprise.  Someone had to like it.
Even San Marino has points!

Australia -  They look a bit weird - 12 points to Sweden
Russia - It's Liberace - 12 points to Azerbaijan
Germany - Barbra.  Her eyes are popping out of her head.  It'll be looking at what she's wearing.  12 points Italy
Belgium - He's got his swimming goggles on.  He loves Madonna.  Douze points Italy.
Sweden. He's got his pyjamas on.  Sensible boy.  12 points Netherlands.
Croatia - 12 points Italy.
Lithuania - 12 points go to T shirt - Netherlands
Serbia - Dragona - mother of dragons. That's one wild fountain.  12 points to North Macedonia
Iceland - That's a hunger games outfit.  He's got a very posh voice. 12 points Sweden.
Georgia - Georgie from Georgia. Nice bow tie.  They gave us a point.  12 points to Czech Republic.
Greece - Gus.  Show off! 12 points to Cyprus.  What a surprise!
Latvia - She looks normal.  What's going on?  Oh she's singing spoilt it.  12 points to Netherlands.
Czech Republic - 12 points to Sweden.
Denmark - A viking.  12 points to Sweden.  Another surprise.  If only we were as friendly with our neighbours.
France - Good outfit.  I like to see a woman in a DJ.  Douze points Netherlands
Finland - That's quite a shell suit.  12 points Sweden.
Switzerland - They gave us a point.  That's because we like a cuckoo clock.  12 points North Macedonia.
Slovenia - Her hair clashes with her dress.  Slovenia has nice buildings.  Czech Republic.
Israel - 'Eurovision became so big and poopular.' 12 points to Netherland

Jury votes puts Sweden 1st, North Macedonia, Netherlands Italy, Azerbaijan Australia. Czech republic.
San Marino is above the UK.

Popular Public vote could change everything.
It's going to be very exciting says the man who looks like excitement might kill him.

I don't understand this bit.  Public votes for UK 3 points. Ouch!
San Marino got 65 public points.
Germany didn't get any public votes.
The public like Norway.  The public put them in first place. 
Iceland might just get thrown out for showing free Palestine banners.
Russia got 244 points.  The public like Russia too.
Czech republic got 7 points. - Really?  What were the public thinking
Australia 131 points.  They haven't won.
Italy 253 points - in the lead. 
Netherlands - 261 points - they are now in the lead.
North Macedonia - 58 points - lost it.
Sweden - need 254 votes
The tension
Get on with it.
Just tell us
93 pointss

NETHERLANDS - My voting system isn't too bad. I had them as joint second with Russia.

Poor old Michael.  Shall we all go to the waffle bar? It was a terrible song - not as bad as Slovenia but still awful.


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