Then I read an article on a platform called Unheard. I hadn't heard of Unheard, which I suppose is the point and maybe it's a site that publishes views that shouldn't be heard. I'm not going to link to it because I don't want you to read it and make them think that this is a popular view that they should publish more of. The title was something like, "EU destroys family life." As I read, the room fell away. I felt like I was falling backwards into a very dark hole. The edges of my world blanched and I could feel a fury like a knot of burning snakes rising from my solar plexus.
The author was Giles Fraser, someone I had heard on the Moral Maze, usually saying kind things. He is opinionated and never someone to say, “I see your point of view,” which is why he’s chosen for that programme but I want to write down why he’s wrong so that I can feel less angry.
His article is arguing against George Osborne’s Evening Standard headline, “Who will look after our elderly after Brexit?” His answer is simple. It’s us women in our fifties. His article starts like this.
There is an assumption in this article that what this woman's father is experiencing is normal but where do we draw the line? As health services dwindle will we be expected to give injections, enemas, prostate exams? "You came through your mother's cervix, the least you can do is perform her smear test." The man in the story that the article is based around is dying. He is dying in the slowest way. He has dementia and is messing himself for reasons that possibly haven't even been diagnosed yet, or maybe never will if they think it's normal for a seventy year old to be confused and soiling themselves. His organs are failing; slowly; one by one. It might take years for him to finally die. How much of her life is the woman supposed to give up?
Giles Fraser argues in his article that dying is normal and that the stages of death are normal and that caring for death should be the responsibility of the family. He argues that this is what family life is.
The thing is that dying isn't normal in our society. We pretend it doesn’t happen, so we have no idea what a normal death looks like. Also, it is different for everyone. It affects the whole family and in different ways. Even doctors don't study what happens to a body as its organs fail. They don't look at a person in a holistic way and recognise patterns of organ failure that point to death. The argument for them not doing this is that the human body is too complicated and so even these incredibly intelligent people can't know about everything but Giles Fraser seems to think that this woman is qualified to take on that care without even seeking guidance and reassurance from her GP.
So, if we accept the idea that dying is normal and it's the responsibility of the family, who are we actually talking about? Does it have to be the daughter? Should male MPs or radio journalists be expected to give up their positions to clean the shit from their dying parents pyjamas? What about people who have no children? And if the person who is dying is a bit younger and their daughter is still a child then should they be doing this work? I'm sure I've heard Giles arguing on the Moral Maze that children caring for their sick parents in our society is a moral outrage.
Because we don't talk about death we don't know how long it will take. I guess some people have a clue. People tell me that when their relative is in an old people's home reassurance is given in whispered tones that, even though they never get out of bed, need a nappy changed every hour, can't see, hear, or recognise their own name, they're 'not going yet'. Even the people working with the dying don't always understand the process and fail communicate it to the relatives doing the daily caring.
Giles and society expects that it is the job of women in their fifties and sixties to look after elderly relatives. Never mind that some women of that age are running the Met, or the country. We are collateral damage. And the damage is huge.
It has taken me all week to write a measured response because I just want to shout and swear. The reason for this is that I did care for my mother when she died and it fucked me up. I didn't have to do it alone because I have a sister and it fucked her up too. We also had some support because it was a death from cancer, which still has special status and entitles you to care if you want it. We didn't want it though, because we live in a society where we came to believe it was our job.
His article is arguing against George Osborne’s Evening Standard headline, “Who will look after our elderly after Brexit?” His answer is simple. It’s us women in our fifties. His article starts like this.
I have issues with this on so many levels. Firstly, I wonder if the male doctor would have said the same to a male patient. Also, what about the dignity of the woman's father? I'm not sure I would want my children to have to change my nappies. I think I would much prefer a qualified care worker from an EU country. Not everyone would but shouldn't that be a choice people can make? Being old doesn't stop you being able to choose.
There is an assumption in this article that what this woman's father is experiencing is normal but where do we draw the line? As health services dwindle will we be expected to give injections, enemas, prostate exams? "You came through your mother's cervix, the least you can do is perform her smear test." The man in the story that the article is based around is dying. He is dying in the slowest way. He has dementia and is messing himself for reasons that possibly haven't even been diagnosed yet, or maybe never will if they think it's normal for a seventy year old to be confused and soiling themselves. His organs are failing; slowly; one by one. It might take years for him to finally die. How much of her life is the woman supposed to give up?
Giles Fraser argues in his article that dying is normal and that the stages of death are normal and that caring for death should be the responsibility of the family. He argues that this is what family life is.
The thing is that dying isn't normal in our society. We pretend it doesn’t happen, so we have no idea what a normal death looks like. Also, it is different for everyone. It affects the whole family and in different ways. Even doctors don't study what happens to a body as its organs fail. They don't look at a person in a holistic way and recognise patterns of organ failure that point to death. The argument for them not doing this is that the human body is too complicated and so even these incredibly intelligent people can't know about everything but Giles Fraser seems to think that this woman is qualified to take on that care without even seeking guidance and reassurance from her GP.
So, if we accept the idea that dying is normal and it's the responsibility of the family, who are we actually talking about? Does it have to be the daughter? Should male MPs or radio journalists be expected to give up their positions to clean the shit from their dying parents pyjamas? What about people who have no children? And if the person who is dying is a bit younger and their daughter is still a child then should they be doing this work? I'm sure I've heard Giles arguing on the Moral Maze that children caring for their sick parents in our society is a moral outrage.
Because we don't talk about death we don't know how long it will take. I guess some people have a clue. People tell me that when their relative is in an old people's home reassurance is given in whispered tones that, even though they never get out of bed, need a nappy changed every hour, can't see, hear, or recognise their own name, they're 'not going yet'. Even the people working with the dying don't always understand the process and fail communicate it to the relatives doing the daily caring.
Giles and society expects that it is the job of women in their fifties and sixties to look after elderly relatives. Never mind that some women of that age are running the Met, or the country. We are collateral damage. And the damage is huge.
It has taken me all week to write a measured response because I just want to shout and swear. The reason for this is that I did care for my mother when she died and it fucked me up. I didn't have to do it alone because I have a sister and it fucked her up too. We also had some support because it was a death from cancer, which still has special status and entitles you to care if you want it. We didn't want it though, because we live in a society where we came to believe it was our job.
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