Power

Sometime you read a book and it changes you. Sometimes you read a book and it seems to have changed society. Naomi Alderman's Power is one of those books. When I read it I wanted others to read it. I wanted men to read it but I was afraid. Scared that by liking it I had marked myself out as one of those ball-breaking feminists that wanted to harm all men.

The premise of the book is 'what if women had the power and used it to dominate men?' I love a what-if book.

Everything in the book reversed and there were things that I read that these powerful women were doing to men that I recognised, that seemed so familiar to my own life and I wanted a man to read it and tell me if they recognised it too. Unfortunately the Long Suffering Husband isn't much of a reader.

Then the Harvey Weinstein thing happened and people started talking about how he had used his power to sexually intimidate women.  Then people talked about how this was a thing in the creative industries and I thought, "It's a thing in all industries." The #metoo hashtag appeared on Twitter and it became clear that most women had felt threatened and intimidated by a man in power and that intimidation was usually sexual. People started to think that is not alright for this to be happening to half the population.  MPs got involved and started to talk about what women have suffered in that industry. It became clear that men didn't recognise the power they held.  They didn't understand that they had used it to intimidate or had defended those who did.

These real life examples have sparked a debate, which is always a good thing.  I've seen people suggesting to men that if it's not something they would say to the Rock (I confess, I'm not sure who the Rock is) then they shouldn't say it to women.

A very funny thread appeared on Twitter this morning changing all the excuses that men make for raping women to women stabbing men, like, "I'm sorry for all the times I stabbed women in the workplace, just a little.  I've had counselling. They were different times.  I've stopped stabbing women now."  I thought it was funny, anyway.  The LSH was less impressed. 
"Are you really saying it's always men?" he asked, offended.
I was confused and wondered what that had to do with anything.
"It's wrong to stab people," I said, "whether a man or a woman does it. It's just wrong."
"I mean the sex thing," he clarified.  He was cross at my wilful misunderstanding.  "Can you honestly say that women never sexually abuse men?"
Again, I was confused because that's not really the point, is it?
"They do, of course, and it's wrong I wouldn't defend them or make excuses for them. I'm surprised that you are willing to do that for men."
He conceded, reluctantly.

In my mind, though, this is a question of misuse of power.  It feels like women are constantly suffering this problem because we are the 'weaker sex'. However, children suffer as do the poor and the young of all sexes in the workplace.  We accept that those who are powerful have the right, nay duty, to intimidate and belittle those below them.  We think it's funny for apprentices to be sent out for a long wait or a can of stripped paint.  Female apprentices can be further intimidated by the use of a sexual suggestion because all women are scared of rape; we have been conditioned to be.  The MP's assistant who was sent out to buy sex toys is an example of the apprentice joke, with an added sexual element.  There is no point to these things, except to make the powerful person feel more powerful and  the other person feel weak and stupid.

When I went for an interview, once, the man locked the door to the office.  I noticed and was on edge.  During the interview he said, "Please put all your clothes in that chair," pointing to a chair in the corner.  Luckily, I was not this man's inferior in any way so I sat in the other chair and told him that I thought that was a terrible stunt to pull on a woman in any interview.  He told me that it was a good way of assessing logical thinking and praised me for my intelligence and quick thinking.  I wish I hadn't laughed.  I wish I hadn't felt superior. I wish I'd told him that he needed to reassess his logical thinking.  I wish I'd thought about the women coming into an interview with him after me. I wish I'd reported him. The fact that I didn't do these things does not make me responsible. I asked every man in the office and none of them had been asked that question but many had been belittled by him and made to feel stupid in other ways. The difference is that they hadn't felt quite as scared.

It's time to stop thinking that the powerful abusing the weak for their own amusement is a good thing. It's time for women to stop feeling scared that it is inevitable that a man will use his power sexually if he has a chance and the way for that to happen is for the majority of men to stop defending the bad behaviour.

I think this can happen now.  Thanks to a book. The Power has shown that it could be the other way round and men wouldn't like it. I love how powerful books can be.