We love Eurovision

I'm so excited.  It's that time of year again. The snacks are on the table and by the end of the evening I'll have a spreadsheet, the Long Suffering Husband will have drunk at least one bottle of wine and we will have eaten our body weight in cheese. We will have laughed with Mr Norton and remembered Terry Wogan fondly.  I absolutely love it and if you are one of those people who think it's silly or complain about the music then you won't want to read this blog.  I've already seen tweets from people who are wondering why we are still doing this. They can't understand.  They thought they voted Brexit to stop all this nonsense. I'm already laughing.

This year my daughter isn't with us, so her scores might not be a feature of this blog. She has sent me her categories so we can all play along. Ten points each for song, costume, instruments, and performance.

Last night we had an orchestra Eurovision which was so good I hope it hasn't spoiled it for the real thing. Austria won that but the odds aren't good for them winning tonight.

I will update as we go along.

Here we go. Graham is in Kiev. Celebrating diversity. The girl from Belgium looks normal.  That's not very diverse, is it?

Three white men to host. The LSH has said that they are dressed in black and white so that's ok. And they have silly ties.  This is making us cringe and laugh at the same time.  Eurovision fans are the best in the world.  Oh, yes we are.

Israel:   Imrie Breaking me to pieces.  I like his see through top, although it wouldn't work on a slightly chubbier man.  We like the background and the fires. Black and white again.  Good diversity.

Poland: Her brother will be fiddling with her. Oh dear. Black and white costumes again.  I think they might have interpreted diversity differently to me.  The song is like Thomas Crown meets James Bong. The brother is fiddling very passionately.  The boy gives extra points because there is a dog floating around in space behind her and there are rhyming triplets (whatever they are) I don't like her dress or the wind.  Freedom. Free her from the dress.

Belarus:  A see through wedding dress. All white this time. No diversity here. It's a Disney type song with hey shouting. We need subtitles for the words.  We want to know the story.  Their fans are turned off. I like the tongue waggling. Gosh.  I wasn't expecting snogging. We like the boat.

Austria:  He's over the moon. Winged trainers and all white.  He's running on air those wings should help This is beautiful staging. Love those clouds.  This is alright.  It's unoffensive, says the LSH.  No instruments which won't help our scores. Maybe Austria could win twice.

Armenia: Choreography is interesting. Octopus impressions and bowling.  All black costumes this time. This is quite boring.  There's fire. It's a whale.  Sorry. I mean wail.

Holland:  Good close harmonies.  All sparkly black outfits.  Moths have been at them.  Was there a ban on colour this year? Not very diverse.  It's good to see curvy women.  We like this song but were distracted by trying to guess the twin.

"Nothing's gone wrong, this was planned!" Oh Graham we love you!  I don't know what they did.  I had a little eating break.

Moldova: Nice black and white suits.  Very flexible hips.  We like the dance.  Surely that was a soprano sax.  The microphones in the flowers are genius. We are all doing the dance.  School girls to brides costume change is stunning.  It's almost worthy of Bucks Fizz.  I like this.  Graham thinks its a rough wedding - he's so posh!

Hungary:  Nice jugs! What a topknot.  He looks like the genie of the lamp.  The Genie and the Gypsy.  Fire. Rap.  I bet he's very hip in Hungary. He has some colour in his outfit with that red belt and gold braiding.  It is the most diverse so far.  Who'd have thought Hungary would have been so middle Eastern.

Toast to Sir Terry Wogan.  I told you it would happen.  You're good Graham but we miss Tel.

Italy:  He's meditating with a mandela in the background. Yoga is powerful magic he's trying to invoke it.  Lots of colour in this.  He has a rainbow stripe. What are the monkey's about.  We like the monkey but he looks a bit wild (or blooming furious - flashback to Alas Smith and Jones) It's like an advert for the United Colours of Beneton.  The song is nice.  It could be an earworm.

Denmark: Young Anneka Rice.  The first not to wear black or white.  I've heard this song before. I would hate to have to perfrom under all those falling flames.

Portugal:  Have never won. Oh no.  It is La La land song.  I hated that song.  How can a musical do so well with only one song.  He's a bit weird as well.  Does he get points for pretending to play a tiny violin? I really don't like that it's so boring.

Azerbaijan:  The blackboard appeals to the teacher in me.  It has all the lyrics on it.but it is missing a date and a WALT.  The horses head man is unusual.  Why is he on top of the ladder.  I like her silk trench coat. He took his head off.  That's naughty.  You shouldn't write on people's coats.  I know chalk brushes off but even so.

Croatia:  I love him.  Go compare man with a split personality.  His suit is brilliant. They have the cello violin duel is brilliant. It's got everything.  This should win.  It has everything.  It's a catchy song too. There's nothing to say. It's perfect.

Australia: Shall we get the questions about how  Australia are in Eurovision out of the way first? Graham is so naughty. We can't listen to the song now because we are looking at his eyebrows.  It's not much of a song. It's boring and he can't walk normally and he's forgotten his socks.  Apparently, it's because he's walking on the spot and he's wearing his dad's coat. More falling fire.  I do feel sorry for these performers.

Greece: If I was going to do political voting I'd vote for Greece.  It's a nice country.  I like her dress. The raindrop sploshes are clever.  The men in the paddling pool are a fun distraction.  They have nice pointed toes - proper classical dancers. The song wasn't great and she was nervously out of tune but I like Greece. I'm going there on holiday.

Spain: Don't come a knocking when the van is a rocking. Oh, how we laugh.  I like a proper band.  The surf theme is good but the winks are creepy.  Awful pitching. Ouch!

Norway: At our orchestra Eurovision we learnt that there are lots of reindeer in Norway.  It was full of sleigh bells.  It came last. It turns out that Norway is full of schizophrenics in masks who sing like a house version of Ed Sheeran.  Look at that drum. Extra points for a huge drum. I liked that, which surprised me.

UK: She's pretty.  Was she on a reality TV thing?  She has a pretty voice. I'm not sure about the dress.  It's not a bad song.  We like the starburst staging. She's performing it well.  Really nice singing. Best vocal performance of the evening.  It should get votes but who knows how it will go. We might get sympathy votes as the rest of Europe thinks we've gone bonkers.

Cyprus:  More black and white. I've lost the will to live.  They all sound the same now.

Romania: That's better.  Something a bit different. Yodelling and rapping. Her skirt is too short - she'll catch her death. "What's with the cannon?" the boy says. "Oh, compensating for something?" She's a really good yodeller. It's hard to do. I never knew they did that in Romania. Are there many mountains in Romainia? It's times like this you realise how little you know about the world.

Germany: I do not like singers that sing through their nose. I'm being told it sounds like the song in Zootopia, which was by Sia. Her dress doesn't fit and someone has tried to rip the sleeves off.

I've stopped scoring.

Ukraine: I think Graham is right.  They don't want to host next year.  They've got instruments, which gives them points on our scoring sheet and the big head gives points for staging.  The flashing lights are a bit much.  It's a headache piece. The instrumental is good rock.

Belgium: Another black dress. She's terrified. It's very flat.  I'm not surprised as she seems to be caged within lights.  I have hair like that. No matter how much you brush it it still looks messy. I feel sorry for her.

Sweden: I hope they have the Volvo tambourine as our orchestra version. No it's all shiny suits and treadmills. I like choreography on treadmills. It's a familiar song. The LSH says it's pretentious.  "We're from Sweden and we're too pretty for you."

Bulgaria: Uncle was my favourite womble.  This is another familiar song. He has a nice voice and is performing it well. It's a rubbish costume, although I've always wanted one of those tops with thumb holes but would be too scared of having permanently wet wrists. I like the light rain.  Is he singing, "Although you are a vegetable your love is untouchable?" He's good.

France: I like her dress. The back drop is wonderful. The song isn't bad and she's performing well.

My Scores:

Full moon in Australia.

And here come the votes.......wait for it.....here they come......wait....not long....here they are......
From 42 countries. 42! Here they are.....are you ready.....this is it.....yes....are you sure you are ready......

Hello Sweden with the delay. 12 points to Portugal.  It's La La Land all over again
Azerbaijan: 12 points to Belarus
San Marino: Who is the bald man she's hiding behind. 12 points to Portugal.
Latvia:  Thank you for a sleepless night. Portugal again.  What is going on?
Israel: Calling from Jerusalem the last time Israel will be in Europe.  Another 12 points for Portugal.
These are the jury votes, who have given their scores based on the dress rehearsal.

Whoops I missed a few.

FYR Macedonia: That's an amazing suit. 12 points to Bulgaria
Denmark: Like Sweden.  What a surprise!
Austria: 12 points to the Netherlands. The LSH is happened.
Norway:  They are the Norwegian Jedward.  12 points to Bulgaria

The UK are getting points

Spain: I can see her belly button in that dress.  12 points to Portugal
Finland: 12 points to Sweden.  Another surprise.
France: In half an outfit. It's like Tinder live.  12 points to Portugal
Greece: Let me guess.  Will it be Cyprus? Of course it is.
Lithuania: Slava. Portugal again.
Estonia: Bulgaria.
Moldova: They gave their points to Romania. Quirky likes quirky.
Armenia: In another half a dress. Portugal.
Bulgaria: She's pissed. Austria got their 12 points
Iceland: He seems cold. Portugal gets their 12 points
Serbia: I'm getting bored of this Portugal thing now.
Australia: Who is that? It sounds like Jan Leeming. 12 points to the UK. That's why we let them in!
Italy: Gave 12 points to Azer....I can't spell that now - it's too late.
Germany: She's lost an arm to her dress too. I think we should start  a campaign to find the lost sleves. They like Norway.
Portugal: At least they can't vote for themselves. Probably Spain. No. Azer.
Switzerland: That was a joke, right? Thanks for celebrating diversity tonight. I missed who they gave 12 points to. I guess it was Portugal
A Dutch dog likes Portugal.
Ireland: Will they give us 12? No, they like chocolate and chips better. Belgium
Georgia: He's stoned. Careful he might fall. 12 points to Portugal
Cyprus: Greece. It's good to have friends
Belarus: Ukraine reminding them they are neighbours. Bulgaria.
Romania: Like the Netherlands.
Hungary: Portugal
Slovenia: Portugal again
Belgium: Her tattoo clashes with her dress. They like Sweden.

Spain are on Nul Points.

Poland: Portugal again.
United Kingdom: Our jury gave 10 to Australia.  Did they have cheese in their ears? How to insult a woman. Portugal.  I wish I'd seen the dress rehearsal.
Croatia: Like Hungary. I'm hungry. Where has the cheese gone?
Czech Republic: Portugal get the 12.
Ukraine: Gave their 12 points to their neighbours.

Next we have the popular votes.

Reverse order:
Austria 0
Australia 2
Germany 3
Spain 5
Israel 5
Denmark 8
UK 12
Netherlands 15
Armenia 21
Ukraine 24
Greece 29
Norway 29
Cyprus 32
Belarus 33
Poland 41
Azer 42
France 90
Croatia 103
Sweden 126
Hungary 152
Italy 208
Romania 224
Belgium 255
Moldova 274
Bulgaria 337
Portugal 376

Well, what do I know? The whole world liked the song I hated.

Except that the final performance by his sister was amazing.  I would have voted for that!