No.
What we want are politicians who are more like us. We want people who most of the time can't tell their ass from their elbow. We want people who are a bit sexist or racist and are not scared to say so. We want people who can't manage to buy their groceries without going overdrawn. We want people who are stubborn and uncompromising. We want people who lose their keys in the fridge or go to work in mismatching shoes.
It's the only explanation. The only way to explain Trump, Boris (why do we use his first name?), Corbyn, the local BNP candidate with the Thai wife and the lad that kept me entertained on Twitter today.
It was my daughter who first pointed him out to me.
"This boy thinks periods are like weeing, how sad," she texted, her journalistic nose quivering at the whiff of a story.
The lad, and I say lad because from his profile picture and the perspective of my ripe old age I thought he looked about 12, had tweeted that he didn't think tampons should be free and couldn't understand why people were saying they should be. I've never heard that argument, only that they shouldn't be taxed as a luxury item. He went on to say, "If u can't control ur bladder then that's not taxpayers problem!"
I was concerned for his education and imagined teachers who had tried to drum a few basic facts into the boy holding their heads in shame and mumbling, "I know you can't polish a turd but I wish we'd sprinkled a little more glitter on this one." I wondered if his parents had been the type to stop him participating in the sex education lessons, thinking they were protecting his innocence. I imagined them reading his tweets and thinking, "Oh dear, maybe we were wrong."
He was unrepentant, though. As more people tweeted him to explain the error of his thinking the more he stuck to his guns.
"pay for ur own tampons if u can't hold it until u get to a toilet. I don't urinate everywhere and expect free nappies," he tweeted.
Technically, if he had a bladder problem and needed nappies now that he is (hopefully) toilet trained he would be entitled to free pads. There is a design flaw with us women. Why can't we shed our uterine lining at will, like we do with other waste products? Let's face it, we'd all prefer it, especially if it could be painless. I wanted to suggest he slit his wrists and hold onto the blood until he was at a bathroom a mile away but I thought that might have been a bit aggressive. I started to feel sorry for him, as I concluded that he had no women in his life.
He got quite upset that women were tweeting him to explain that his suggestion that they lacked #selfcontrol was......well they said lots of things but let's just say.....wrong. He accused them all of being crazy feminists. For him, feminist was obviously an insult. His Twitter bio stated that he was a mennist, which I think must mean that he would like men to have equal rights to women. He's probably just angry that he can't continuously bleed for 7 out of every 28 days and live. It also said that he was a politician and his linked instagram account showed pictures of his 19th birthday cake.
Several people asked what party he represented and his answer was, "The Brexit one."
I told my daughter that I was sad for him and that he can't have any menstruating women in his life. I imagined him in the care of an elderly, cruel grandmother, who dropped him on his head as a baby. She agreed, telling me that his girlfriend doesn't bleed.
He had tweeted, "wow I gotta go, my girl waiting for me and I'm here reading all thise single bloody bitches tweets to me need to get my priorities right."
"yo I'm so lucky my girlfriend isn't crazy like these feminists and she never bleed lol always clean."
I was horrified. A pre-pubescent girlfriend.
The novelist Joanne Harris had also spotted the story and was enjoying the idea of a boy dog politician being completely ignorant. She replied to his tweet about his girlfriend.
I imagined what would happen when he met his 'girl'.
Girl: You're late
BoyDog: yo sorry. I got caught up with some crazy bleeding feminists on twitter.
Girl: Yes, I saw.
BoyDog: yo, it were so funny. I'm so glad you're clean and not like that.
Girl: Sit down. I've got something to explain to you.
BoyDog: What? You look so serious. Don't tell me the communists have landed.
Girl: Every 28 days, dear. You know how I make an excuse not to see you and tell you about making my monthly visit to my granny?
BoyDog: Yeah
Girl: Well, you know my granny is dead, right?
BoyDog: I thought that was strange
Girl: Well, I'm not visiting granny. It's the time of the month, I've got the rag, It's code red. I'm on the blob.
BoyDog: Noooooo. Not you too. Are you a feminist? I thought you were clean.
Girl: I'm a woman. All women bleed.
BoyDog: But you hold onto it until you get to the toilet right? You don't use tampons. Please tell me that you have self control.
Girl: Look darling, I know you are a bit thick but really, no woman can hold back period blood. Shall I draw you a picture of how it all works? By the way, you're dumped.
Before he met her he had time to reply to those who agreed with him. The hashtag 'I'm with Ryan' appeared, as did #vaginasarescary. I think most were sarcastic and although sometimes sarcasm is hard to spot I'm fairly certain of this one, even if Ryan is not.
Even though I made up the above conversation I suspect that someone might have had a word, as the young man has now protected his tweets. He'll make an excellent politician, if he can ever work out which party he is a member of.
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