Like Billio

Like Billy-O: It's not a phrase you hear very often these days, unless you watch Downton, where Rose says, "Oh but I do. I want to rush in like Billyo!" - floozie!

 It is a good phrase, though. It conjures up images of hellfire and damnation; something so fast and extreme that it can't possibly be good for you. It's perfect for Downton, as you can only imagine it being said with a plummy accent by someone in a tuxedo or flapper dress, "Oh, dahrling, I can't possibly go out in that: it's raining like billyo and my fascinator will look like a drowned ostrich."

It's a phrase we knew as children. I suspect it was on the National Curriculum, which means it will be back in use before too long, unless some of the non-words from the phonics tests start to catch on. (Quemp: small green mythical frog-like creature that lives in dark, damp holes. Some say the quemp is the ruler of all bog beings)

The Reverend Joseph Billio is a man I feel quite attached to. He may, or may not be the source of this phrase but for the last ten years our youth orchestra has been rehearsing in the Church that he built. This particular church is a beautiful Georgian building and we love rehearsing in it. There is a blue plaque on the front, which seems to be hiding, as if Billio would be a little shy of his fame. It was several years before I noticed it, even though the story of Billio had been told to me by our percussion director, who is shortly to become a Time Lord (or doctor of history) and I had seen his portrait in the church.

Blue Plaque

Seems to be hiding

Reverend Joseph Billio was born to the vicar of Wickham Bishops, Robert Billio in 1668.  Either Robert or Joseph was thrown out of the Parish for non-conformist sympathies (I can't work out who) and Joseph hired some land from William Coe in 1696 to build a meeting hall for 400 people. He then proceeded to give long and passionate sermons about how everyone was going to burn in hell, which were very popular and drew large crowds. 

These sermons are one of the possible derivations of the phrase, which could go on like Billio, spitting hellfire and damnation. Other people disagree, as the word didn't appear in print wasn't until 1882, where the Fort Wayne Gazette printed: "He lay on his side for about two hours, roaring like Billy-Hoo with the pain, as weak as a mouse"

That time-frame seems about right to me. 180 years to get across to America from Maldon, after all I know people from Maldon who took 40 years of their life to go as far as London. Maldonites are fitted with elastic at birth that brings them pinging back and most have very short elastic.

Yesterday, I took some infant children to visit the church. I used my key to let them in the back door. 

"Do you live here?" they asked, "Why do you have a key then?" 

They had been very interested in the graves and death in general, speculating about Mummies, vampires and the size of the people in the tombs. I showed them the portrait of Billio and told them the story about the phrase they had never heard of but all they wanted to know was whether he was dead. 

"What do you think?" I asked, "He was born in 1669, that would make him 347 years old."

"He's dead then," they all agreed.

"Did you know him?" another child asked.

"Errr, no!"

"Was he your Dad then?" he persisted.

"Well, let's see," I said standing next to the portrait, "do we look alike?"

Heads tilted to one side, giving the question considerable thought.

"Could be," the boy finally pronounced, "You have the same blond hair and big nose."

I suppose I asked for that.

The Rev Joseph Billio

This week's orchestra rehearsal  has seen me conducting like Billio, with my blond hair and big nose, as we only have three weeks before our concert. (Details here: //www.eventbrite.com/e/maldon-youth-orchestra-annual-summer-concert-tickets-17367696247). Please come and see us and have a look at the shy blue plaque while you are there.

Conducting like Billio.  Hands moving so fast they are a blur.

People of Maldon you are 'quackers' and I love you.

Having lived in Maldon for 18 years I am a newcomer.  The original Maldonites all know each other, have webbed feet and marry their cousins.  They drink a lot of beer and do crazy things.  They are loud and ruddy cheeked and full of enthusiasm for life.  This is the town that has the mud race but that isn't all.  Some days the quay is filled with Morris Dancers, boaty-types doing strange things with knots and rigging or church people holding sunrise Easter services.

Maldon Greenjackets

Today, while walking the dog we stumbled upon the annual Sponsored Row in aid of the RNLI.   Over 100 boats race the three miles along the freezing river, using muscle power only.  Today, must have been exceptionally difficult as the wind was threatening to take us all back to Kansas and then we saw the Tin Man, Scarecrow and Lion.  Before the start they were having to row pretty hard just to stay still.

A perfect example of the craziness of the people of this town was hearing someone say, "Oh look, Simon's on his surfboard and look the wind is blowing him backwards!"

The canoes and Kayaks set off first (including Simon), started by three loud bangs that sent the birds flying up and back onto the water all three times.

All sorts of craft entered

The RNLI team looked very smart

Fancy dress teams

Canoes, Kayaks and Simon

Then it was the turn of the row boats and finally the Juniors.  There was only one entry in the Junior class, so we hope he won something but after he set off we know why he had to go last.  He was without doubt the fastest!

The junior catching and overtaking the other rowers

The winners were greeted by the Mayor, who was there in is ambulance, as the on-call first-aider.  We didn't wait for that because we wanted to get home before the rain, so I can't tell you who won but as we walked past the ambulance the Mayor's wife was fussing over the fact that his chain didn't look very good over the top of his fleece.

Although, I will always be a 'newbie' in this town it is a pleasure to be part of such a crazy place.

The Great Turn On

There are some things our town does really well.  We have a fantastic sense of community, brilliant enthusiastic musicians and a great sense of humour. Personally, I think it's our sense of fun that keeps us all going.  We are famous for our mud race, which says it all really.

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Yesterday we switched on the Christmas lights.  It was a brilliant community event.  A candlelight procession walked along the High Street led by the perfect St Mary's Choir, complete with cassocks and surpluses, singing in tight accurate four part harmony.  

The procession seemed to include every group in Maldon; Brownies, Rainbows, Guides, Scouts, Cubs, Sea Scouts etc. There were so many that there weren't enough candles or hymn sheets to go round.  Then it was the turn of our Primary school choir, who did a good job, despite being crushed and their teacher being a bit stressed.  

And the lights went on.

And that was about it.  It seemed an awful lot of fuss for one light bulb.     

I'm being silly, of course, there was more than one bulb.  But the big Christmas tree by the Church was already lit and of the 2 lights that could be seen from where the school were singing and the procession ended only one worked. Here it is.  If you look carefully you will see a star attached to a lamp post.

The evening continued to be an amazing success.  There were great performances by Maldon Youth Orchestra, St Mary's Choir, Tequila Swing and The Big Sing, led by Gemma Rattenbury from London Community Gospel Choir.  The Morris dancers clicked their sticks and rattled their bells with great skill all the way up and down the high street. There were also stalls, the hand bell ringers and Father Christmas led a carnival type procession of floats.

Public opinion seems to be that the event was a great success but the lights were terrible and so I started to wonder why.  In Maldon we have a District Council, that are responsible for Maldon, Burnham and all the surrounding villages and so they do not or can not fund lights for all those places. Maldon Town lights are funded by the Town Council.  A town or parish council gets a proportion of council tax funds (3%).  Maldon requires £336,600 to pay for the services it provides and gets £61.44 for every band D house in the area.  I don't know how many houses there are and so I don't know if they get enough to run everything they have budgeted for.  The shopkeepers were approached to fund the Christmas lights this year and told that the Council needed £30,000.  Again, I do not know if they got the money.

£30,000 seems like a lot of money for a few flickering light bulbs.  It has been difficult to make a comparison as councils seem reluctant to publish their costs for such events.  Plymouth Christmas lights cost £40,000 in 2009 and looked like this.

Stratford upon Avon's 2011 Christmas lights cost £68,000.  Their town council fund 38% of it from their council tax budget (I assume they ask traders fro the rest, or get funding from other sources)  Their lights look like this:

Towns with good Christmas lights string them across the road.  Maldon used to do this too but have been stopped from doing so by health and safety. I wonder why some councils are allowed to put lights across the road and others aren't?  It is probably the fault of insurance companies who will charge a huge, unaffordable premium for these kinds of lights.  Maybe they just have fairer insurance companies in Stratford upon Avon, although their budget appears to be twice that of Maldon.

I think the town has a choice to make.  Either, give up having a switching on ceremony and just have a magical Christmas parade, with entertainment, beer, salt mud and everything else that Maldon is good at or find the budget and the insurance company to make Maldon's Christmas lights Magical.