Elves - a tip for stressed parents

 I’m old.

Us old grumpy women find that being told that something is a ‘tradition’ when it was made up less than twenty years ago is irksome. If you love it then please don’t let me stop you but these Elves that sit on shelves have caused me more 3am questions than is healthy.

1. Why?

2. Since when?

3. Why are they so ugly and plastic?

4. What is the point of all the naughty things they do?

5. What’s wrong with just giving your children chocolate for breakfast throughout December?

6. Why boy and girl elves?

7. Who has time for all that in December? Are these people not musicians?

Here are my answers:

1. Because people love a gimmick and we like to be part of the crowd. Social media allows a connection and reward for creativity. Creative people need a reward from something.

2. Since 2005. A woman called Carol Aebersold wrote a book and every publisher thought it was terrible so she self published. The book was about their family tradition (an old Scandinavian one) where a house elf joins the family to keep an eye on the children and report back to Santa. I blame teachers and Pinterest for its rise in popularity. As a tool for classroom control, it’s genius. 

3. They are ugly and plastic because it’s a self published book that came with the elf. A limited budget and a desire to recreate the original toy that the woman used to terrorise her own children in America in the 1960s has led to this monstrosity. 

4. They shouldn’t really do naughty things. They should be reporting back to Santa. They should be found in different places. In the book the elf plays hide and seek and can’t be touched. However, too many adults, who have been on the naughty list their whole lives have got hold of these creatures.

5. Chocolate for breakfast. Every teacher’s favourite thing! Who needs elves? This question is unanswerable. 

6. The boy and girl elf thing is a puzzle. Our society’s need to gender everything has caused so many problems. Leave the gender neutral elves alone! But that is another story.

7. I’ve been wondering if I would have done it if it had been a tradition when my children were small. I think I would have wanted to. Being part of a creative crowd would have appealed to me but in December as a musician I didn’t really have time to eat, let alone manage a naughty elf. So, I would have come up with a creative solution. And this is my tip for busy parents.

I would have bought the book and hidden the elf first. 

“Oh no. There’s no elf in our book. I wonder why?”

Then I would have read the book.

“That’s why,” I would have said. “There’s no need for an elf in this house. You are already on Santa’s nice list. The elf from this book has gone off to watch naughty children. We had better make sure he doesn’t have to come back.”

Job done. Parent off hook. Child shit scared of seeing an elf in their house.

You can thank me later.

Minister for common sense

 So, it’s politics that draws me back into blogging (or maybe it’s editing). I’m quite surprised. There are other things I find more interesting. However, I seem to be drawn to the tragic comedy.

Amongst the news about David Cameron (not an MP or even currently serving in the Lords) being made foreign Secretary I missed another interesting appointment. This was probably due to the amount of baffled swearing alternating with confused hysterical laughter that the Long Suffering Husband and I were doing.

Esther McVey was appointed as a Minister without portfolio. 

Ms McVey (never call her Esther) is one of those Tories that I will never understand. So far right she’s nearly left. And I know it’s Scousist but her accent just grates. 

It’s not uncommon for Ministers to be appointed to the cabinet without a specific role. Sometimes it’s just for balance: token woman, someone who didn’t go to public school, or just to add an annoying accent to the team. 

The political press pack, who will have been talking to people who know why she’s there have labelled her the Minister for…..wait for it….make sure you are not drinking a hot cup of tea..minister for….are you ready? COMMON SENSE!  You snorted tea over your phone? I did warn you. 

Common sense!

Honestly! 

There is no such thing as common sense. If there were we wouldn’t need politicians. It is their job to listen to all the things that different groups or types of people think are common sense and decide (collectively) on the best course of action. 

Ms McVey looks like a daytime TV presenter and the early day motions that she has supported show an interest in pubs, allotments, physics teachers and hunting. 

Her idea of common sense might be very different from mine or yours. 

However, she could start by pointing out that David Cameron’s appointment is completely nonsensical and that there’s nothing common about it. 

The End of Democracy

 I haven't written a blog for a while. Many things have irritated me and I've thought that blogging would help but I'm trying to write a book so I'm saving my words.

However.

It makes you long for the days when Prime Ministers died in office, doesn't it?

I'm writing this down because in the future it won't be believed.  

The conservative party has tried everything it knows and even given a few new ideas a go, to horrific results (Liz Truss crashed the economy). We've recently found out that Boris Johnson was hoping to kill off all the old folks during the pandemic but people still forgive him because he's like a loveable toddler. The Home Secretary, Suella Sneererman had criminalised boats, tents and helping the poor. She got cross with the police for allowing a peace protest on Armistice Day. Who'd have thought that would be controversial? Armistice from the Latin meaning stopping weapons. That would have been fine, as there really wasn't anyone to replace her but she took the unusual step of refusing to edit her article in the Times, as the Prime Minister requested.

So, Rishi, was left with no choice but to sack her, which left him with a problem. None of the young conservatives want to ruin their future career by being associated with this spent government and there is no one else who hasn't had a go.

"Who can I ask?" he wonders. "I need someone clever.....I know.....Cleverly. But that leaves a space for foreign secretary. Who could I ask? It needs to be someone who can get on with other countries."

This morning I opened up a news app and told the Long Suffering Husband that the Prime Minister was considering replacing Braverman with Cameron.

"He's not an MP," he reminded me, "He can't."

"But it's being tweeted by the political editor of the Times. How can he have got it wrong?"

We were both confused then a few hours later the Cleverly news came out.

"See, I told you it couldn't be Cameron. He shuffled off after the Brexit fiasco." The LSH was about to launch into another round of swearing so I headed him off by sending him a short video of a needy dog.

Then we found out the Prime Minister made  David Cameron foreign Secretary. 

The LSH laughed. The idea of the ex-Prime Minister that got on so well with other countries he started Brexit left him properly guffawing, confident that it still couldn't be true, as the foreign Secretary had to be an MP, surely.

Except that they can make up whatever they want now and Cameron is apparently going to be made a Lord or maybe a chocolate covered biscuit (I used to like a Viscount).  

Nothing to worry about. No problem with that. The Foreign Secretary never needs to be questioned or held to account in the House of Commons. No one ever needs to ask the Foreign Secretary anything. 

Oh my!