The new Boudicca

 I know there a bigger things to worry about but you’ll forgive me if I focus on the small things. It’s a technique used by the permanently anxious. If you go to war museums, you will see stones in the turned out pockets of soldiers and wonder why. I think it’s because focusing on the small things is what kept them going.

“Oh, look at that stone, see how smooth it is. I’ll take it home and show Mary.”

Then, just having it in their pocket to run their fingers along the smooth edge and back around the jagged bumps reminds them of home, rather than noticing the sound of the explosion that removed the left leg of Harry and did for Bert.

Anyway, back to the small things. Don’t think about war.

When I was growing up the Queen of the Iceni was called Bow-de-see-er. By all accounts the was a transcribing error and the ‘ia’ should always have been ‘ou’. The other transcribing problem is that sometimes in written text the name has one c and sometimes two. Then if you factor in whether the text was written by Romans then deciding if it’s a hard c or a soft s sound is impossible.

However, you may have noticed the change in pronunciation of Kiev. We always called it Key-ev. We even have a dish named after the place: gorgeous breaded chicken stuffed with garlic butter and deep fried until resulting vampire killing ooze burns the roof of your mouth.

First, the spelling changed. Kiev was now Kyiv and soon news reporters were saying Keev, as though they were sending up their mate Kevin with a posted up version of his name.

I was confused, so I looked it up.

Kiev is Russian. When the Ukraine was part of Russia (until 1991) it was pronounced key-ev. At independence the Ukrainians had a slightly different accent and vowel emphasis and so translators changed the spelling. In 2014 (when the Russian-Ukraine war started) western news out let’s wondered whether they should change their spelling in solidarity with the Ukranians. Now that Putin has gone bat-shit crazy and actually invaded his neighbour they are agreed, and so ‘Keeeev’ it is. 

Ukraine is geo-politically very important. It is, after all the world number one producer of geraniums and third largest producer of potatoes. (I might have misheard that and it could be Uranium, which might be worth going to war over. I’m joking. NOTHING IS WORTH GOING TO WAR OVER. Stop it, Putin, calm down and have a cup of tea).

So, from now on, we stand with Ukraine, project blue and yellow lights into Downing Street, look askance at anyone with an Eastern European accent and change our pronunciation of its capital city. Future generations will tut as the old teachers who say Kiev. They’ll roll their eyes as they correct them and refuse to believe it has anything to do with their favourite dinner, Dino Kievs (if someone hasn’t made them yet, then they should)