Life imitates art

Oscar Wilde said, “Life imitates art more than art imitates life.”

In the film Field of Dreams they said, “Build it and they will come.”

And Woody Allen said, “Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.”

There is a war going on that’s terrifying all of us. Russia has invaded Ukraine (which often seems to happen around the 20th of Feb, when the reality of frozen ports kicks in and a wistful remembrance of access through the Crimea kicks in.) 

Our nightly news reports from a besieged capital. Clive Myrie is shown, holed up in a Kyiv basement watching himself on Mastermind because the Ukrainians love the BBC, even if the Russians have infiltrated our social media to make half of the UK believe it is a costly evil. 

You have to be careful what information you believe.

Yesterday, someone on social media posted that the President of Ukraine was very convincing: a consummate performer, compelling to watch and just like a ‘real’ President. Someone else replied that the reason for that was because he was a comedy actor and was just very good at playing the part. Just as it was all about to get nasty another person chimed in to say that it was, in fact, true and not only that he had played the part of a teacher who had accidentally become President and sorted out the corruption and after it was so popular the TV company set up a real party with the same name and he was actually elected President and tackled corruption.

What?

That’s mad.

Check your sources.

Me, and every good journalist did just that. I don’t know where they looked but I went to IMDb and Netflix and sure enough Volodymyr Zelensky, President of Ukraine was the star of a show called Servant of the People.

Is your mind blown too?

The thing is, if life really does imitate art or even bad TV, can we start making things that make the world better? I would happily watch frolicking puppies all day long if it meant the end to war, death, destruction and pestilence.

The new Boudicca

 I know there a bigger things to worry about but you’ll forgive me if I focus on the small things. It’s a technique used by the permanently anxious. If you go to war museums, you will see stones in the turned out pockets of soldiers and wonder why. I think it’s because focusing on the small things is what kept them going.

“Oh, look at that stone, see how smooth it is. I’ll take it home and show Mary.”

Then, just having it in their pocket to run their fingers along the smooth edge and back around the jagged bumps reminds them of home, rather than noticing the sound of the explosion that removed the left leg of Harry and did for Bert.

Anyway, back to the small things. Don’t think about war.

When I was growing up the Queen of the Iceni was called Bow-de-see-er. By all accounts the was a transcribing error and the ‘ia’ should always have been ‘ou’. The other transcribing problem is that sometimes in written text the name has one c and sometimes two. Then if you factor in whether the text was written by Romans then deciding if it’s a hard c or a soft s sound is impossible.

However, you may have noticed the change in pronunciation of Kiev. We always called it Key-ev. We even have a dish named after the place: gorgeous breaded chicken stuffed with garlic butter and deep fried until resulting vampire killing ooze burns the roof of your mouth.

First, the spelling changed. Kiev was now Kyiv and soon news reporters were saying Keev, as though they were sending up their mate Kevin with a posted up version of his name.

I was confused, so I looked it up.

Kiev is Russian. When the Ukraine was part of Russia (until 1991) it was pronounced key-ev. At independence the Ukrainians had a slightly different accent and vowel emphasis and so translators changed the spelling. In 2014 (when the Russian-Ukraine war started) western news out let’s wondered whether they should change their spelling in solidarity with the Ukranians. Now that Putin has gone bat-shit crazy and actually invaded his neighbour they are agreed, and so ‘Keeeev’ it is. 

Ukraine is geo-politically very important. It is, after all the world number one producer of geraniums and third largest producer of potatoes. (I might have misheard that and it could be Uranium, which might be worth going to war over. I’m joking. NOTHING IS WORTH GOING TO WAR OVER. Stop it, Putin, calm down and have a cup of tea).

So, from now on, we stand with Ukraine, project blue and yellow lights into Downing Street, look askance at anyone with an Eastern European accent and change our pronunciation of its capital city. Future generations will tut as the old teachers who say Kiev. They’ll roll their eyes as they correct them and refuse to believe it has anything to do with their favourite dinner, Dino Kievs (if someone hasn’t made them yet, then they should)

Well, I’ll go to the foot of our stairs

 The giants are furious. Three major giant fights in as many days. Dudley, Eunice and now Franklin.

I don’t blame them. Have you seen the state of the country? 

Dudley was cross about Prince Andrew and so he threw all of his toys out of the pram in Scotland. That was his first mistake. Nobody was going to worry too much about a storm in Scotland.

So Eunice took over. The list of things to be furious about had grown and so she shook a few trees in the south. She was quite spectacularly furious. It was more than a few trees. She lifted the roof off the hotel I was staying at and dumped it on top of some chimneys. 

But due to the nature of us stupid non-giants we didn’t take that too seriously. The hotel closed the kitchen and still made beautiful breakfast from a bedroom and served it in the bar. Most people watched Big Plane TV on YouTube and a few brave souls/idiots had surf races on skateboards using Ikea bags. Did we listen to Eunice, though? 

Yesterday morning, the Prime Minister was interviewed by Sophie Raworth at the foot of the stairs, smirking and refusing to answer any questions. Then the Queen tested positive for Covid and sent the message that she would carry on working. 

Franklin just couldn’t contain his fury any longer. He shouted, “Well, I’ll go to the foot of our stairs!” and started to bellow enough to make the birds stay on the ground.  Not only did he blow things around but he also threw spears of ice in my face and cried so much that Dr Foster should definitely avoid Gloucester for a while. 

I really hope we take notice because the next one could be called Gertrude and as we all know, Gerty fights dirty.

Eunice

Lying in an overly warm hotel room, the window open a crack the sound of the wind transports me to my childhood. Whistling through the gap at a perfect Ab, punctuated in a rhythm that feels familiar and comforting because of its peril.

A severe ‘red’ weather warning is in force and they have named it Eunice. 

Well fitting windows have stopped any wind sounding like something that is about to lift you off to Kansas to meet the wizard. However, when I was a child, the slightest wind would wake me in a fit of anxiety. 

It would be tempting to do the old person thing and suggest that the news protests too much. To insist we had storms in our day and no one died (except there was that man who had a plank of wood blow off a truck and through his car window piercing his head but I think he survived) I do remember the Michael Fish storm in the late 80s and another in the early 90s where people did die and I worked with a woman whose husband was swept away and his body never recovered when he was sea fishing in choppy waters. 

The new fad for naming storms is interesting. Eunice is a peculiar choice. It makes you think of a sweet old lady and I wonder if that it to calm our anxiety or to give people something to joke about later. 

Nina Simone’s real name is Eunice and I wouldn’t want to mess with her.

The only other Eunice I’ve known of was a little old lady that lived in a ramshackle bungalow on our street. It was a way down the road opposite the sweet shop. She lived there with her ‘sister’, Myrtle. They could have been sisters but Mum always spoke about their sisterhood in speech marks. I didn’t know them at all. I never saw them even once. Their garden was overgrown, the paintwork peeling and as far as I know, they never left the house. Then one day the bungalow burnt down. Maybe Eunice had left the gas on. Maybe someone disapproved of their comfortable shoes. The rumours were rife. 

“Two old ladies burnt to death there!” 

Children whispered and pointed as they came out of the shop clutching a paper bag filled with black jacks, flying saucers, sweet tobacco and fruit salads. 

This Eunice doesn’t worry me too much, as I’m on holiday and so while you are chasing your wheelie bins around the garden I will be hunkered down in a nice hotel, swimming , eating and reading. 

Cancel Culture

 I haven’t written in a while. I got stuck with knowing what to say. Living in this country at the moment is hard. I’m finding it tough to be proud of anything or even see the funny side. It’s all beyond a joke.

However, it feels wrong to not record it. It’s as though I’m cancelling my own disgust. I’m so woke that I can’t even bear to think about these things, let alone write them down.

Oliver Dowden is right. (It’s not often you hear that)

Obviously, it’s wrong that it’s only the conservatives that need to have courage to defend their values. We all need to have that courage.

So, here goes.

1. We need a Prime Minister that isn’t a joke

2. MPs receiving death threats is a big deal

3. Met Police Commissioners shouldn’t bring their politics into the job 

4. Sending criminals a questionnaire for their lawyer to complete is a slippery slope.

5. Being so dependent on Russian money to the point we can’t stop a war is bad.

6. Liz Truss is an idiot and also our best weapon. Who knew the treat of her going on another sightseeing trip in a Kossak hat would be enough to stop a war?

7. Boris Johnson has a very annoying tell. He will never win poker games with that smirk.

8. The BBC is great. Especially the Archers but not Kate. Cancel Kate. 

9. Accepting a settlement isn’t giving up

10. Accepting a settlement doesn’t mean you were in it for the money.

11. Settling doesn’t mean you think you are guilty (just that you might not win)

12. Virginia Guiffre is a very brave woman who has secured a large amount of money for victims of sex trafficking from someone who benefitted from that trade (even if he still can’t see it was wrong).

13. Prince Andrew was never going to prison.

14. Prince Andrew can never clear his name. There will always be doubt.

15. The Queen needs separate bank accounts to prove that  money she uses to bail out her kids isn’t provided by the taxpayer.

16. This attempt to put the Royal house in order before the Queen dies is just that.

17. Putting your dick in an unwilling 17 year old is worse than telling a Saudi businessman he might get to see a Prince to get him to give you money to help poor people.

18. Nicholas Witchel is smarmy and should retire. 

19. Oliver Dowden is the Shrodinger’s cat of truth. Every time. And nostrum means a scheme to make things better. How very dare the left want to make things better?

20. Now, that’s off my chest I can go back to thinking about the blue tit that has taken up residence into the box in my garden or my sister’s new dog.

Here is Alan in love with my hat. Gosh, I miss having a dog.

Back to 1884

I can’t do the present. It’s too upsetting. Comedy is writing itself, government is making up jobs, the Prime Minister’s new Comms guy has defended him by singing Gloria Gaynor together and publicly saying that he’s not a complete clown. Footballer kick cats and there is more public outrage than when they beat and rape their wives and Bamber Gascgoine died.

I was reminded that Maldon had an MP called Bamber Gascgoyne in the late 1700s and was responsible for some debacle which caused the town to lose its charter.

But I’m not interested in that period of Maldon history, so instead I took refuge in the local newspapers of the 1880s.

I hope this dramatic piece brings you joy too.

Essex Herald 28 April 1884. 

‘Our Maldon correspondent was standing in his bedroom after breakfast, looking out of the window in s south easterly direction, when at 17 minutes past nine by the Union house clock, which he could see from his standpoint, he heard a noise as of a distant rumbling, but increasing to that of a rushing wind. It was followed by six or seven vibrations to and fro apparently to him between the south east and north west and so distinct that he not only felt himself swayed but saw the house oscillate to a considerable extent, as also articles of furniture in the room. Others in the London Road had similar experiences and in some instances Bells were set ringing in houses. Strange to say the effect of the shock seemed to be felt most in what is supposed to be the strongest building in the town, the old Moot Hall. In the police station there Head Constable Wombwell and PC Parrott were engaged, and somewhat alarmed by a great crash at the back of the building and an apparent upheaving of the whole pile. They made up their minds that the place was falling about their ears and ran into the High Street only to see hosts of other people in the same case. The crash was discovered to be the violent colliding of the weights of the town clock, which kept in motion for half an hour afterwards. At the post office a pane of glass cracked. On the hillside of the town, house bells had a joyful time of it, and throughout the town good things were done for earthenware dealers. At Mrs Andrews jewelry shop, High street, a clock fell from the shelf and numerous instances of chimney ornaments falling were heard of. The water in Mr FG Green’s aquarium was much agitated and a watersider at the Hythe observed the tide, which was nearly high to rise three or four inches and assume a wavy motion. At the Hythe too, a baby seated in a high chair was thrown to the floor, fortunately however escaping without injury.

Why didn’t I know about the 1884 earthquake?

The psychology of wordle

 Haven’t heard of wordle?

Then you are one of the very few people without social media. Well done you. You probably have a life and are very content. Smug points = 10

Never played wordle?

Then word games don’t interest you or you are so busy you can’t find a little time in the day. Again, well done you. Smug points = 10

Played wordle and given up?

Then you realised that it was a silly waste of time. Well done you. Smug points = 10

Play wordle regularly but never posted the chart on social media?

Then you like word games but have the sense not to annoy the people who don’t. Well done you. Smug points = 10

Play wordle and post the chart on social media?

Then you are part of the cool group. It’s a nice club to be in. It doesn’t harm anyone. Well done you. smug points = 10.

Play wordle and get excited because you guessed in one?

Then you have been very lucky. Well done you. Smug points = 10. (Unless you are the person who got it in one when the word was moist then you get 100 off your score. Who has moist as the first word that comes into their head?

Play wordle and have 100% success rate?

Your powers of deduction and or luck are very good. Well done you. Smug points = 10.

Play wordle and choose the same starting word each time?

Then you have a strategy. Well done you. Smug points = 10

Play wordle and choose a different word each time?

Then you are a creative thinker who isn’t tied to rigid forms of thinking. Well done you. Smug points = 10

Play wordle and use two different starting words to eliminate lots of letters?

Then you have a strategy. Well done you. Smug points = 10.

Play wordle and use a word with all the vowels to start?

Then you have a strategy. Well done you. Smug points = 10.

Play wordle and use unusual consonants to start?

Then you have a strategy. Well done you. Smug points = 10.

Play wordle to distract yourself from the horrors of everyday life?

Then you are using a distraction method coping strategy. It’s harmless. Well done you. Smug points = 10

Play wordle and make memes about it to make everyone who is also wordle-distracting themselves from the current political shitshow?

Then you’ve given joy to many. Well done you. Smug points = 10

Moist

Play wordle and moved onto other versions, such as sweardle or lewdle?

Then you are are person with an interest in a wide vocabulary and a need for more distraction than others. Well done you. Smug points = 10

Play wordle and try to avoid guessing the word moist by using all the attempts?

This is sensible behaviour and you know lots of words. Well done you. Smug points = 10

Play wordle and try to work out a regular social media poster’s starting word?

Then your need for distraction is very strong. You love a logic problem. Well done you. Smug points = 10

(Extra points if you are keeping a spreadsheet)

Play wordle because you invented it?

Then you are a very lucky genius who deserves however many millions the New York Times is paying you. Good choice to sell now because we will all get bored soon. Well done you. Smug points = 10

Play wordle to collect words for a modern day poem?

What? Who does that?

Slump crank gorge 

Query drink favor 

abbey tangy

Panic

Solar shire proxy 

Point robot 

Prick 

Wince crimp knoll 

Sugar whack mount 

Perky could wrung

Light moist shard

Play wordle and write a blog about the psychology of wordle?

Then you are a very annoying person. Stop it. All smug points removed. Although, seriously, wordle is a lovely distraction in these difficult times that has something for everyone. It doesn’t matter how you do it (or even if you don’t do it) it allows you to feel slightly better than someone else, which is one of those little wins we all need in life.