Dear Boris

 Dear Boris,

Please resign. 

I’m mildly unwell and confined to my house,  having caught the Covid from a place you promised me was safe. I got the jab, jab, jab. I took personal responsibility. While I’ve done all those things I expected you to provide the NHS with everything it needed to fight this continuing pandemic. Instead you ignored them and expected them to jump, every time a crisis appeared, which they did to the best of their dwindling ability and now you’ve written them a thank you letter that you couldn’t even be bothered to write your name on properly. Everyone knows that the line about the government doing whatever it takes is absolute rubbish. And boosted isn’t the right word (I used to respect you, as a writer)

But it is not for these reasons I want you to resign. In fact I don’t think any of the rest of your party would do a better job and I’d much rather have a change of government than a change of leader and a reprise for the party.

It’s the brilliant Pippa Crerar of the Mirror is giving us a masterclass in journalism at the moment that is the reason I want you to resign today. Genius, to gather the evidence and slowly drip feed it exactly one year later. You know she has more, right? It might not have been you at those parties but it was in your house. You were the boss and you should have put your foot down, although you couldn’t because according to Dom, you and a Carrie were having parties of your own.

The last thing I wanted to see over my breakfast this morning (which tastes of cardboard, by the way) was a bunch of idiots in braces, smiling their horse teeth smiles, posed in front of a buffet. I do not want to spend my time wondering what the hot food was, although I am imagining beef olives and macaroni cheese. I do not want to read the quiz name teams and know that they were laughing at us. Prof Quiz Whitty, Next Slide Please, We’ve Been Clear and Hands, Face, First Place.

Come on Boris. Do the decent thing. You know she has the naked Twister pictures. Go now and spare us all.