British?

 For reasons I can’t even explain to myself I decided to try the “Life in the UK test” which people have to pass if they want citizenship. 

I failed the first test. 

I was mortified. I’ve been British all my life and am pretty well read and deep thinking.

I took another test and passed - just. There were still lots of questions I didn’t know and many more I guessed. 

I took 8 tests in all and only passed four of them. 

I couldn’t pick out the Paralympian from the other athletes. I didn’t know anything at all about Ireland. My knowledge of composers and poets was quite good but who really knows the difference between Wordsworth and Browning? 

I know that there is no perfect system for granting citizenship but it does worry me that most people who are actually British wouldn’t pass the test.

It also worries me that they are teaching very un-British things.

One of the questions said, “What should you do when moving into a new house or apartment?” Quite vague, I know but it was multiple choice and the answer couldn’t  be, “Put the kettle on and make tea,” even though this would be the most British thing to do.

The options were:

1. Warn the people who live near you not to talk to you.

2. Introduce yourself to the people who live near you, so they can help you.

3. Tell the people who live near you not to make a noise 

4. Do nothing.

I chose option 4, which was wrong. The answer was the terribly un-British number 2.

These would also be good options:

5. Drop your gaze, so as not to accidentally make eye contact and be forced into an awkward conversation.

6. Walk around new house wondering why the previous owner took all the lightbulbs.

7. Clean frantically and tut that it didn’t look this dirty when you agreed to buy it.

8. Hover by the removal men as they get the box containing the family heirlooms out, just ‘knowing’ that they will break something. 

9. Discuss the rain with the removers and possibly the new neighbours if you accidentally made eye contact. 

10. Say, “Well, this is fun.”

Who knew that being British wasn’t about drinking tea, avoiding eye contact and complaining about the weather but was actually about knowing the exact numbers of Scottish Constituencies, where King Cnut was from (without sniggering at the spelling of his name) or knowing how few people live in Wales? 

I can’t believe there were no questions on innuendo, either. If there is one thing that marks out a true Brit it would be a love of signs like this: