The Hand-washing Loop

 There are times when I’m about to write a blog and then decide against it at the last minute. Yesterday was one of those days when I was going to write a jokey piece about sending the coronavirus to Mars . Then I looked on Twitter and noticed that some of my sarcastic lines had already been said, as though it were real by certain celebrity-Brexit-loving, COVID-denying commentators. Especially those with whom I share a first name. Suddenly, the idea didn’t seem as appealing. 

Over the last (nearly) three years I have thought about writing about the hand-washing loop several times but not done so at the last minute because I’m aware that it marks my insanity.

It’s nearly three years now (where does time go when you are having fun?) since my brain broke, I turned into Lady Fucking Macbeth (it is her actual middle name) and started washing my hands too much. I was aware that it was too much because of the hand-washing loop and although it felt like a funny thing I didn’t want to mark myself out as the kind of insane that wasn’t in control, so I didn’t write about it.

Now, thanks to Chris Whitty and poor national handling of a viral pandemic, you are all washing your hands too much and so I can finally write about the hand-washing loop.

What happens is you come in from being outside and wash your hands. Well done,you. This is what you should do. Then the running water reminds you that you need a wee, so you go and then wash your hands. Well done. Everyone should wash their hands after going to the toilet. The postman pushes letters through the letterbox and without thinking you pick them up. Oh no. Better wash your hands again. Running water. No, you can’t need another wee already can you? It’s time for some food. Now would be good. You’ve just washed your hands but you touch the kitchen door handle and worry about the germs that could be on it. Better go back and wash your hands again. That’s right. You should always wash your hands before food preparation. Running water. Yes, you really do need another wee. Better wash those hands again, you filthy animal. And so it goes on.

When I was at school, one of my best friends  washed her hands too much. Everyone used to laugh at her, which was cruel but maybe she was just ahead of her time and not crippled by OCD and anxiety. Before lunch we would all rush to the girls toilets. Most of us desperate for a wee, some girls needed a gossip, or had to reapply their make up but my friend had to spend a full minute washing her hands. When she had finished she would put a spare sandwich bag over her hand so that she could open the door and we could go and eat our sandwiches without getting stuck in the hand-washing loop. 

Hand-washing is a distraction. It’s never going to completely protect you from your unseen fears and it is important to try to strike a balance. We don’t live in a pathogen free world. Actually, if you have found yourself in the loop then don’t think about that. 

My fear is that by putting the burden of protection from this novel virus (more of a series than a novel now) on the public, rather, oh I don’t know, maybe stopping it coming here in the first place and then stopping it spreading by having an effective test and trace system,  the government have caused so many more of you to join me in the hand-washing loop.

On the news last night, a scientist was trying to explain that the virus is airborne. She questioned whether placing so much emphasis on droplet spread had been the right thing to do. 

“People are all washing their hands and even washing their shopping but people forget that it’s airborne and so they are just breathing it in.”

Oh no! Does that mean we have to stop breathing?