Everything is a bit crummy. The news is hellacious (I’ve no idea if that’s a word) Social media is a bag of poxy direness. It’s nearly half term and everyone is tired but our Welsh holidays have been cancelled.
We need something to cheer us up.
What could that be? No one had any ideas. Everything we tried didn’t last long. We always ended up back on the blooming pandemic and the repugnant government.
I’ve always loved NASA on Twitter. The accounts are full of exciting scientific discoveries and pretty pictures. Little did I know just how much Twitter needed NASA.
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| One of Nasa’s incredible moon pictures. |
Twitter has started to get to the end of term tired. Children were biting each other and crying, “He said he’s not my friend!” As it was Twitter and not the playground the language was more colourful. Coronavirus, Brexit and a looming election in the USA were bringing out the worst in the English speakers on the platform. I collected some new words for my upcoming book -Twatter: a guide to the profanities of social media - but it was all rather depressing.
Then a breaking news alert appeared on my phone from The Independent newspaper. It said, “NASA to make major announcement about the moon”.
My first thought was, “Oh no. Maybe it’s not made of cheese.”
I wasn’t alone.
This was the balm that Twitter needed.
Twitter needs no more than a headline to ‘know’ the story but this time it was funny.
“We’ve licked it and it’s delicious”
“Crack out the crackers and chutney. Liz Truss has just discovered a new exciting cheese market.”
There was speculation about the type of cheese from Swiss to Edam and from Red Leicester to Wensleydale and some suggestions that were less cheesy.
“The moon is a real Jaffa cake and not cheese after all.”
It started to get a bit silly.
“We’ve found the dark aside of the moon and there are thousands of people in dinghies waiting to cross to the light.”
“The clangers are real. It was a documentary.”
“Dancing on the moon is impossible.”
“The Atari hotel is on the moon.”
It also turned a little dark.
“Oh my God. The moon is going to plummet to earth because 2020!”
“The moon’s haunted. The man in the moon is real.”
“Oh dear, the man in the moon has died. What next? Fuck 2020!”
“The moon is pregnant.”
“We’ve found the string holding the moon in place and it’s quite frayed, about to snap and come hurtling towards the earth.”
The wonderful thing about NASA is that they have said there will be an announcement about the surface of the moon on Monday. There’s still plenty of time for even more creative speculation.
Get the crackers out. I’m busy eating cheese and watching the speculation until NASA finally announce that there are aluminium particles in the surface of the moon (or something equally boring to non scientists who only care about cheese, ghosts and the clangers.)
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