Popular Psychology Killed Feminism

I've always thought that I was a feminist. I believe that women are just people, like men and that having a womb, boobs and a whole sack of complicated hormones shouldn't mean less pay or worse treatment. 

I always thought that separate playgrounds for boys and girls at my junior school was stupid, I saw no reason why I shouldn't take science A levels and I couldn't see why everyone was making such a fuss about a woman Prime Minister. 

Then I became a mother and as a mother I think I lost a little bit of my brain. 

During my pregnancies I hoped to give birth to girls. I was a girl, I understood girls so I knew how to raise a girl. Boys were some terrifying unknown creatures from outaspace. 

What?

What was I thinking?

Looking back now, it all seems so odd. Twenty five years of believing that men and women are equal gone like the dew on the grass on a sunny morning. I can't explain it, except to blame popular psychology. 

These were the days of John Gray. This American pop-psychologist was riding high in the book seller's charts and had convinced the world that men and women were not only different but were so different that they came from seperate planets. Not the same species even but worlds apart. I read the books, of course I did ( I read everything) but I also believed them. There was much to commend. He had noticed that human's communication isn't always very effective and suggested ways to solve it. For example he suggested that women were accused of nagging because they weren't very direct when asking for what they want. There are obviously long standing cultural reasons why this could be more true for women than men, however it has nothing to do with a fundamental neurological difference between the two aliens. Once our daughter was born we noticed that this particular 'nagging' habbit was more likely to be adopted by the Long Suffereing Husband than me. 

Me:  "Pick your toys up and put them away......NOW.....1...2.....3. Well done."

LSH: "You never put your toys away." "It's such a mess in here." "I really think it's time those toys went away" "Ouch, F**in' Lego." "It's no good coming crying to me now. It wouldn't have got broken if you'd just put it away." "Ugh! The toys are still all over the floor." "Why don't you ever listen to me?" "I only asked you to put your toys away."

As a parent, I was more confident. It never occurred to me that she might not love me if I told her to do things that she didn't want to do. 

The principal of effective direct communication from the Mars and Venus book applied equally well to men and women. It's almost as if men and women are the same.

I didn't learn though.

When my son was born that fear raised its ugly head again. My daughter had fitted the 'girly' stereotype, showing a preference for pink. She liked what I thought were typically female games and toys but truthfully she just preferred to play with people. We played games where we acted things out and she interviewed me. She had imaginary friends and found out all about their lives and she played with her globe and dreamed of going to Peru (which just happened to be one of the pink countries). I was terrified because popular psychology was talking about a male crisis. Feminism had destroyed men, they had lost their place in the world. They were buying guy liner and moisturising their faces and this was all because they were helping with the washing up. It was an identity crisis of epic proportions and something had to be done. 

Not wanting to contribute to the crisis I bought a book. Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph. 

It told me that boys are different and my parenting had to be different. My boy was different to my girl. He didn't much like people. He preferred to play with things. He chose the dolls, bricks and trucks but preferred animals and imaginary creatures, although he was (luckily) placid enough to be a prop in my daughter's games and would submit to being interviewed whenever she decided it was necessary. He became a lifelong Pokemon fan (probably because they don't talk) Neither of my children were physical; they didn't like to kick a ball around and catch terrified them but they both liked a good walk. According to my latest guru, Steve, most of boy's problems weren't my fault anyway. It was a book bought by mums but aimed at dads, who he blamed for being too distant and not a good role model. It was alright then I could relax because the LSH was present, being a good role model nagging about toys being left on the floor before picking them up himself. 

I noticed that he was a good role model for my daughter too. It was almost as if you could do the same things to raise boys and girls and that they were the same species.

But I still didn't learn.

My daughter had started school and had a group of bright friends who could be quite mean to each other. They were all jostling to be noticed; they all wanted to be the best and if they had to stand on each other to get to the top of the pile then so be it. My little girl was struggling. These were hard lessons. They were harder than maths, which she just didn't get the point of. 

So, guess what? Yes. I bought a book.

I bought Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons, which was later re-branded as Queen Bees and Wannabes and became the basis for the film, Mean Girls. When our girls were being mean to each other us parents pulled that sideways smile and said, "Well you know, girls can be so cruel." We didn't do anything about it. We didn't sit our girls down and say, "treat people how you want to be treated," Actually, I did but I don't know if she listened to me. Schools accepted the reality that 'girls' were mean. 

Then my boy started school. There was a mean boy. He called him names and pinched him under the table. I don't know what was said in return (as a parent you only get one side of the story) The school seemed less inclined to believe this was happening. Parents said, "It's so much easier with boys. They just hit each other and it's over with, not like girls. Girls can be so bitchy." I didn't think there was much difference in the way my son's friends spoke to each other than the way my daughter's friends spoke but there was a difference in the way us adults reacted. 

As I've done more work in schools I've seen that boys can be equally mean, especially when they are tired and emotional.  You'd think girls and boys were from the same planet.

The problem is that I'm still hearing all the things that were in these books. People still believe that men and women are different. Parents are still consoling each other with, "Girls can be so bitchy" Boys are still frightened to say that someone is being mean to them just in case the worst insult of all gets lobbed at them. 

"Oh, honestly, Fred. You're such a girl!"

(and that is probably their mother speaking)

I'm happy to notice differences but if you divide the world in two then one ends up being the opposite of the other. Boy:girl. good:bad.