Medical Etiquette

If you are not very experienced at dealing with the medical profession here are some suggestions of things to avoid.

1. Don't talk to the receptionist. They do not require human interaction. Talking to them is like feeding the velociraptors; don't do it, you might lose a hand. There is an automatic check in, which they would much prefer you use.

2. Do not talk to anyone in the waiting room in a happy way. You are only allowed to complain about your knees and the weather and maybe the government. Do not, under any circumstances, say, "What a beautiful day! This crisp clear weather makes you glad to be alive."

3. When you are bored of waiting and you think about using the automatic blood pressure monitoring machine, take your coat off. I can not stress the importance of this enough. If the machine can't feel your pulse it will keep squeezing. It will squeeze and squeeze and squeeze until your arm bursts or (after a little panic) you find the cancel button.

4. Small children of knackered mothers should not be entertained. This is not because they won't love using your knees as an extreme car race track or their mothers won't appreciate the rest but because when your name is called the person calling won't hear you shout, "Just a sec!" while you try to convince a sobbing child that the race is over. 

5. Don't assume that anyone will tell you where room seven is. You may go wandering off down corridors, while the irate disembodied voice calls your name again but no one will explain why room seven is next to room one.

6. When the doctor asks you how you are do not answer them as you would any normal human being. They are actually asking why you have come to see them and are not merely making polite conversation. 

"Hello."

"Hello."

"Come in and take a seat."

"Thank you."

"How are you?"

"I'm fine thanks, how are you?"

Although this is a perfectly normal conversation in everyday life, in a GPs room it will be met with a frown and a scratch of the head.

7. Do not assume that anyone will contact you if a blood test is abnormal. 

8. Do not assume that when the person you speak to on the phone tells you that it's not urgent and an appointment in three weeks time will be fine that the GP won't wag their finger at you for not coming in sooner.

9. Do not confuse your GP by understanding what they've said. They are used to explaining everything three times and don't suggest that another blood test in 6 months time might be a good idea (even if it is) if you don't want to make them flustered.

My final piece of advice is for people who are very used to dealing with the medical profession and is a suggestion of something not to say to ambulance drivers as they take your husband into hospital after his eleventy-hundredth heart attack.

10. Do not say, "OK, I'll follow on later. I'll leave it about an hour because the car park is always really crowded at 2pm."

Alternatively, do all those things, don't take life too seriously and you will, at least, have something to laugh about.