Sorry to bother you on your Barbados beach holiday and I may have written to you about this before but there is something I need to get off my chest.
 |
| Raymond Briggs captures your holiday beautifully |
Again, you have been very generous with your musical gifts but have left out of the package the most important thing that the children (and their parents) thought would come with it: The ability to play the thing. They thought that owning a violin would instantly turn them into Nigel Kennedy, a flute would make them better than James Gallway and a guitar would turn them into the next Eric Clapton. Actually, they didn't because they are all too young to know about these people. But they did think that the instrument came with a gift of virtuosity and you have failed to provide it. I have been hearing snapped exchanges between parent and child at the end of the school day that sound something like this:
"Did you see Mrs Music Teacher today?"
"I had music, we sang a Pirate song," (starts singing)
"Stop singing! What did she say about your (insert type of instrument)?"
"I didn't...."
"Oh, honestly. Why not?"
"We were busy singing about Pirates," (sings again)
"Oh, do be quiet. Let's go and find her now."
Honestly, Father Christmas, I know I was on the 'nice list' this year but I really won't mind if I get coal for occasionally hiding. You see, I can only offer, lessons (if it's an instrument I can play), hard work and perseverance. The gift of instant virtuosity is one I have never heard of. If it does exist then it must be magic and be your field rather than mine.
If I have failed to hide sufficiently well I am greeted by a furious looking parent, miserable child and an iconic shaped box.
"There's something wrong with this instrument," snaps the parent.
"Oh dear, where did you get it? Maybe you could take it back."
"Father Christmas bought it," says the child, the sparkle back in their eyes.
Sometimes there is something wrong with the instrument and I think you might have to have a word with some of your flute making elves who are using some very cheap materials and not always putting them together properly. It would also be nice if string instruments were set up and tuned. I don't mind putting a bridge in a violin but don't really have time to do it for thirty. Do your bike making elves send children bicycles with wheels they have to attach themselves? One flute even came with a tiny screwdriver, which confused both parent and child, as they asked to be turned into a natural flautist not for a 'build your own flute kit'.
Some parents have been very disappointed at the noises that emit from the instruments you have sent. I'm sure you are keeping an eye on these parents and will, in future, only send i-pads with headphones. One child told me, "I got an iPad from Father Christmas an' me Dad said its the best present 'e's ever got me 'cos it keeps me quiet and stops me asking questions 'cos I'm sooooo silly."
I know that an iPad costs a little more than a beginner flute and about six times as much as a violin but I'm sure you can see that parents would feel it was worth it.
I am wondering if you too are feeling ready to retire as I have been surprised at how many children have received the wrong sized instrument. Are children suddenly also getting pyjamas for twelve year olds? Probably not because they are not expecting to suddenly be good at sleeping in their teenage years.
I was talking to a six year old who had a full size violin for Christmas.
"I got a violin for Christmas and Mum says you have to put the bridge in."
"Oh, OK, oh, this violin is much too big for you. Where did Mummy and Daddy get it from?"
She scratched her head and gave me a puzzled look, "Father Christmas brought it, silly!"
"Oh dear, I was hoping it could be swapped for one the right size because you won't be able to play this until you are twelve."
She thought for a little while and then said, "Ha! Father Christmas must know that I'm going to be brilliant at the violin when I'm twelve. I'll keep it until then."
I must say that I'm very impressed that you can know that. Would you teach me how to do it, as I keep getting it wrong. The children that I think have amazing potential don't practise so never get any better and those that can't get a sound out for weeks on end up being grade 8 players at 14.
I know I sound ungrateful. I really do appreciate your musical generosity and I am glad all these children are getting their very own instruments.
I hope to see you next year for my lump of coal.
Yours,
One, already quite tired, music teacher.
No comments:
Post a Comment