Comms Disaster

 Is it wrong that I feel sorry for them?

Gillian Keegan’s performance on daytime TV was a disaster but she thinks it went well. 

More maths.

That’s the answer.

Yes. Definitely. More maths. That will solve the problem.

Picture the scene: 

Gilly is having breakfast in her £2million cottage in Petworth with her husband. She only has half a grapefruit and a cup of strong black coffee from the fancy machine that Mike insisted they buy after his company miraculously won that £24 million government contract. She has to watch her weight because she has some TV to do.

M: Looking good, Gilly my little filly.

G: Thanks Mike. It’s my day to go on telly.

M: Super. They’ll love you. What are you going to talk about.

G: I’m going to talk to the teachers. 

M: You’ve been doing that a lot recently.

G: Well, I am education secretary

M: What? Wait, since when? Oh dear, maybe I could supply chalk?

G: (laughs) Oh Mike, even I know they don’t use chalk anymore. It’s all computers that don’t work….(Thinks)…. Actually…

M: Sorry, you were saying. Talk to the teachers.

G: Yes. I have a brilliant plan for solving the pay dispute and I need to tell them.

M: Isn’t that what you’ve been doing?

G: Oh no. That was with the unions. They’re not teachers. 

M: Are they not?

G: No Mike. We’ve talked about this before. Unions are a monster. I grew up in Liverpool so I know all about how militant unions stopped my average middle class parents getting rich like us.

M: Oh silly me. I always forget they didn’t inherit anything.

G: Precisely. That’s the fault of the unions.

M: So, you are going to do the daytime TV rounds?

G: Yes. I’m starting on BBC breakfast at 8.30.

M: To talk directly to the teachers?

G: Yes. Keep up.

M: Won’t they all be in school.

G: (Spurting coffee through her nose) Don’t be silly. They work 9-3. That’s why it’s ridiculous for them to think they deserve more.

M: Sorry. So, you are going to talk to them directly?

G: Yes. And even if they aren’t watching at the time then there will be clips on Twitter. Just like that lovely Rosie Holt….

M: Ooh. I like her, she really gets my dander up.

G: (sniffs) Yes, well. I keep meaning to check what constituency she represents. I’d love to get some media tips from her. I’ve never seen her in the commons but you know it’s always so crowded and noisy. It’s easy for us women to get drowned out.

M: So the teachers will watch before school or later on Twitter? What are you going to say?

G: You see, it’s genius. I was talking to my special advisor about how the unions - monsters! - weren’t accepting my offer because they say it’s not fully funded. I say it is. My advisor rolled his eyes. I know it was in sympathy. He said, ‘You see Gillian, it’s not just about whether you say it’s fully funded. It’s all about the maths.’ And, do you know? He’s so right. That’s the problem. 

M: (looking confused) It is?

G: Yes. Don’t you see? Rishi and I are always talking about it. How can children be allowed to stop doing maths at 16? There’s maths in everything. 

M: That’s true. 

G: So, I’m going to tell them to do more maths.

M: I thought you said there weren’t enough maths teachers.

G: There aren’t. Don’t you see? That’s the problem. We need more maths.

M: (kisses her on the cheek). Go get ‘em, Stalion. You’re a genius. Just remember, though, when you say, ‘I say it’s fully funded,’ try not to smirk.

It’s fully funded because I say it is.

It is wrong that I feel sorry for them. I should be angry. If this is the solution then we are in for a very bumpy ride.