Tits and Teeth Christmas

 November flies by in a flurry of stress and anticipatory anxiety. Diaries are filled, pages turned and as more people ask, “Could you just,” there is a  sense that there won’t even be time to breathe in December. Add to that the fact that my musicians are children, post-lockdown bugs are wreaking havoc on unpractised immune systems and people seem to have forgotten how to be nice and you are in twitchy-eye territory.

Then, before you know it, it’s the end of the month. Frosty breath. You’ve made the Christmas pud, done the first three concerts and had a mince pie. The Christmas jumpers come out of storage, you keep a set of sleigh bells in your handbag (just in case) and the weather gets colder and crisper. Hoops appear in the school hall. 

I don’t know if hoops are a universal primary school marker of Christmas but when I walked into the hall this morning and saw displays of tinsel clad PE hoops, masquerading as festive mobiles of children’s artwork, hanging from the ceiling the anxiety lifted and I blurted out, “Ooh, Christmas has started! Hoops! I’ve had a mince pie and I’m three concerts in.”

My colleague raised an eyebrow.

“Not for me. Not until December the first!”

That was when I explained the two Christmases of a musician. My Christmas- the one with family, tree decorating, present buying, wrapping and icing a Christmas cake with carols from Kings on the radio - starts when things calm down a bit, somewhere around the 17th. Until then, it’s the Tits and Teeth Christmas. Plaster on the smile and just keep going until it’s all done.

I have musician friends who hate Christmas. All that sticking your chest out and toothy grins spoil their family festivities.  Weirdly, I’m not one of them. In my years as a non-musician it was the Tits and Teeth Christmas I missed. My own Christmas was somehow poorer for not falling into it in an exhausted heap.

There is something to be said for pretending to have a great time. Fake it ‘till you make it. It works for over hyped religious festivals as well as general life.

Welcome to December. The month of teaching children who have legitimately had chocolate for breakfast.