It's amazing how quiet a room full of breath-holding children can be.
"And it's only November."
The sigh of relief could be heard two miles away as the whole room relaxed and the teacher and the TA smiled at each other, knowingly.
"Oh, Christmas? No, you know the rules. Don't mention it."
An eruption of, "Oh, Miss, you used the C word!" followed.
This happened in a class of one of the best teacher's I've ever worked with and I would love to follow her rule but I'm a music teacher and Christmas has started. There are concerts from now until the big day, where I probably have only one free evening. Town lights need to be turned on, Churches need children for their Carol services, like some sacrificial rite, Schools have concerts, nativities and shopping events that couldn't run without a bit of singing. Charities raise all of their funds from the unpaid services of child and adult musicians and it all has to be done in the month before the big man squeezes himself down your chimney.
Tesco's advertising campaign has the strapline. "Right, let's do this," which seems a bit peculiar for a shop that is trying to sell things to make a happy family time happier but it is the perfect music teacher's motto. "Right, let's do this," we cry, hoping we survive to do it all again next year.
If you are in a similar predicament then here are some survival tips from my many years of experience.
1. Sleep - Don't panic. You can survive without sleep. You will find it difficult to drop off after concerts (adrenaline will do that) and you will still be awake at 3am when the writing muse shows up or you are suddenly driven into anxious list making. Make 'who needs sleep' by the Bare Naked Ladies your motto. Sing it in your head at all times and you will know that there's a guy been awake since the Second World War.
2. Caffeine - is your friend. You have seen the pictures of the the kind of webs spiders make on caffeine and you are suspicious that it's not good for you. You consider booking a brain scan but realise that you are just suffering from rebound withdrawal symptoms. Just drink more. It's temporary. You can go cold turkey with the cold turkey.
3. Eating - Forgetting to eat is fine. You don't need to worry. Someone will always lob a mince pie or chocolate in your direction and an extra cookie from cookery club will accidentally fall into your mouth when you are not looking. It's perfectly acceptable to eat yesterday's left over takeaway at 3am. None of this will kill you.
4. Chocolate - Choose the toffee if you want to keep your voice for the whole season but keep the wrappers. Especially the orange ones. There's not much that can't be improved by looking at life through clear orange cellophane. Keep some in your handbag for extra challenging moments.
5. Doors - are dangerous. This is not normally something you would have to be reminded of but in your sleep deprived state you need to be extra vigilant. Doors open! Don't stand by the staffroom door waiting for your photocopying. It will open, suddenly. If you walk down the corridor, singing your sleep song, mentally ticking off the instruments you need to take to that evening's concert the toilet door could suddenly open and you will walk straight into it knocking yourself and the school visitor out. I've never heard of anyone being killed by a door but I'm sure it's possible.
6. Laughing - will keep you sane. Laugh frequently. Laugh heartily. Tell children all your best/worst Christmas jokes. Small excited children often sing very badly but do not despair. It's funny. Words get mumbled. Sing 'A Wayne in a manger no crisps for his ted," with them. Let them sing the wrong words but remind them that they must never wash their socks in church. No matter how busy and stressed it all gets never be grumpy. If you are going to die from anything this Christmas season make it laughter.
7. Swimming - Just keep swimming. Never think you are too busy to swim. Your waistline needs it to counteract the mince pies and toffee. Also, if you don't keep swimming you'll drown.
8.. Jingle Bells - Your car will resemble an instrument shop. You will have loaded it with stands, music and various percussion instruments. It can be quite soothing to have all your driving accompanied by a gentle jingle but make sure you strap them in. An emergency stop could have a set of sleigh bells whistling towards the back of your head. Imagine the headline in the local paper:
POPULAR LOCAL MUSIC TEACHER SLEIGHED BY BELLS
Follow this guide and say to yourself, "Right, lets do this," and you will survive to repeat it all again next year.
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