Hysteria

Hysteria has set in again. Not the kind caused by gynacalogical problems and a wandering womb but the end of a term/half term kind.

Teachers are getting excited for a few days without children or a few days with just their own kids where they can totally be themselves. They can stub their toe on the kitchen cabinet and shout, "bugger" without anyone saying, "Um, Miss, we're telling of (sic) you!" and potentially losing their source of income. And this is why we need school holidays.

In the staff room at 5pm last night, teachers were frantically marking, "Crap! Crap! Why is this work such crap?" Hearing primary school teachers swear can cause cognitive dissonance; a small disconnect in the brain. I imagined a parent walking in at that point, although they wouldn't because they all think we go home at three, despite the fact that school doesn't finish until 3.15 and most of us were running clubs until 4.30. If they had, though, they might have had the same experience I did in the Nineties in the BBC lobby when a children's TV presenter walked past the big screen showing one of the European Cup football matches with England playing Sweeden. You just don't expect a children's TV presenter to shout, "Come on you bollocking bunch of wanking tosspots,"at any time.

The conversation in the staff room then turned to the 'what's your favourite swear word?' game.

"Crap is my favourite," said the teacher marking the books.

"I like a good shit," said another.

"You can't beat a good fuck," said a third.

One of the male teachers walked in and was asked to join the game. "Well, I like bollocks," he said.

I resisted the urge to reply with, "I like cunt and I'm moving to Brighton," which is a good job because he then said," I was going to say the C word," which was interrupted with a chorus of, "Oh no, too far."  Never mention Christmas to teachers in May!

And this is why teachers need holidays. I have a theory that it is only possible to hold in the expletives for 6 or 7 weeks at a time and so children are given time off from teachers on a regular basis to protect their innocent ears. So, I hope all teachers enjoy their week off, writing reports.....(insert swear word of choice here!)