When I was growing up, my next door neighbour's birthday was on Valentine's Day, which meant that he was saddled with a ridiculous middle name and told me about the real 'Saint Valentine' in an attempt to appear more manly. It might have been these stories that put me off celebrating the day. He told me tales of a Roman man, called Valentinius, which means worthy, strong and powerful (this seemed to be a very important part of the story) who was killed in horrible ways because he secretly married people. He was, according to my neighbour, a very brave man, who never showed any pain, even when he was stoned, tortured, whipped and had his head cut off. He carried on marrying people even without a head. Thinking back, the 9 year old Juliaofalltrades probably got a bit confused by that part of the story. He told me that Soldiers, who were not allowed to marry so that they would be free to rape many women when they were fighting, would leave secret notes on a heart shaped piece of paper in the Church for the Priest who would then seek the couple out and marry them. The story often got sidetracked at this point about whether the notes were really heart-shaped, "Have you seen the sheep hearts in the butcher's shop? They are round and veiny, definitely not heart shaped." He had a theory that the heart was actually the shape of the womb, which they would have known in those days from the Shepherd's Purse herb, used as a uterine tonic because of its uterus shaped leaves.
He told me that Valentine was killed by Claudius (of the I Claudius fame) for curing his daughter of blindness and that he had just been very unlucky.
It isn't just the recollection of these childhood stories that puts me off, though. It's the mushiness. I've never been overly sentimental and when trying to choose a card find I get an urge to vomit when reading most of them. This year's were particularly bad with many Grey offerings. The LSH said, "I hope you don't mind but I don't think we should do Valentine's Cards this year." I was thrilled, it was the most romantic thing he's ever said to me. There is a gap in the market, though, for honest cards. If there were cards that said, "Thank you for putting up with me for all these years," or "As it's Valentine's Day, I'll wash up tonight," or "I like being married, it's great to have one person you can annoy for the rest of your life," or "If Robert Downey Junior turned up at my door confessing his undying love for me I'd have to turn him down because I'm married to you," I would buy one. Even the couple, reported in the Telegraph a few years ago, who have given each other the same card for the last 70 years might be tempted to buy one.
History isn't quite as convinced about the origins of St Valentine as my neighbour was. Valentinius did mean worthy, strong and powerful and so there were loads of them. There was even a female Valentina, a virgin (they're always virgins) who was put to death on the 25th July Ad 308. I might suggest to the LSH that we celebrate each of the Saint Valentines and hand make appropriate and truthful cards.
He asked me what if I wanted to do anything for Valentine's Day and I had to confess that doing "nothing, absolutely nothing," was at the top of my list. I asked him if there was anything he'd like to do and he said,"I'd really like to play golf." That would have been a perfect day but unfortunately he has hurt his wrist; a repetitive strain injury (don't snigger, I know about your smutty mind).
His request reminded me of a work colleague who told me that he gets up early on a Saturday to play golf, so that his wife doesn't object and so I've already come up with a card idea for when we celebrate the next St Valentine's Day on July 6th.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Please go and play golf all day - I quite like being on my own.
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