Eurovision 2026

 The cheese is on the table for an evening of songs and silliness.

This year we are missing our chief Eurofan but we will be sticking to her scoring system. We score out of 10 for the song, costume, staging, vibes and performance, to give a score out of 50.  A few years ago we took out our marks for instruments because it was skewing the results but I'm told that this year is the year of the violin, which I'm looking forward to.

Raising a glass to Terry Wogan and singing a verse of the Floral Dance before we start. And we are live from Vienna. Hello Graham Norton. 

You've got to love a flag parade. The Greek Tiger man was very popular with the kids at school. Delta Goodrem is a name from the past, although I can't remember a single song.

I was going to say it's very operatic but Graham has suggested putting the dog in the kitchen. Not a bad ideas Graham, he is sniffing the cheese.

I do like her dress. but I bet she doesn't eat any cheese. I'm not so keen on his jumpsuit but it does make me want to eat Cadbury's chocolate. 

HOW CAN YOU VOTE BEFORE YOU'VE HEARD THE SONGS??!!!!

01. Denmark: Søren Torpegaard Lund - “Før Vi Går Hjem”

Keep them in the box, all that hip thrusting looks a bit scary. Oh no. He's in ther with blue farts. How did he get out of that? He's lost his shirt. 

6 8, 8, 7, 7 

02. Germany: Sarah Engels - “Fire”

Dressed like a swan in boots on another box. Girls in pants. Theres a lot of bum on show. I'm definitely getting old.  Lots of fire. She's very excited. 

5,

We are giving up scoring. Without the Eurofan, we've decided to go for gut feeling.

03. Israel: Noam Bettan - “Michelle”

You, me and the cameraman. More girls in pants. Do you remember the game Othello? I like the oh oh oh bit. He's a good singer. Not keen on the song.  2,

04. Belgium: ESSYLA - “Dancing on the Ice”

Quite boring. One boot and strings hanging from her costume. We didn't rate this highly 

05. Albania: Alis - “Nân”

I approve of insisting on subtitles. Is it dead mothers? Mother waits for you. You just have to die first. He's got his wings. That's quite sad. I quite liked it though. 

Diverse? Ethnically, diverse. Sexually diverse  but skin colour?

06. Greece: Akylas - “Ferto”

Graham says he's dressed as a cat but I think its' a Tiger. I like the bit with the soundwaves. I am old. The visuals are giving me a headache. Oooh a Scooter. Mor dead Mums. There's a theme here. I love  a Eurovision Granny It's making me dance.

07. Ukraine: LELÉKA - “Ridnym”

Pretty song, Weird gloves and a shredded dress. 28 second long note is quite impressive. Windswept and instantly forgettable. 

Well that was boring. Let;s hope it was to facilitate a complicated set change.

08. Australia: Delta Goodrem - “Eclipse”

I can't remember a single Delta Goodrem song.  Oooh I love a harp. She's an actual star. A gold piano. That was quite Les Dawson. That's quite impressive staging. Getting up on that piano in those heels was very impressive. 

Another drink for Terry. 

09. Serbia: LAVINA - “Kraj Mene”

Sword man. Impressive epaulets. Jon Snow on guitar. He wrote his own song, we are impressed by that. I like a bit of thrash metal. Oh, they're done. They put everything into that. 

10. Malta: AIDAN - “Bella”

Home grown malteser. Graham, please stop. I'm full of cheese there's no room for chocolate. Bond. I really like this song but his outfit is giving me the ick. The perspex box is popular. It's not a very modern song, which is why I like it. I would like that to win and I want Maltesers. 

11. Czechia: Daniel Zizka - “CROSSROADS”

All those mirrors have broken the camera. Another forgettable song but don't all these performers have absolute powerhouse voices

12. Bulgaria: DARA - “Bangaranga”

Creepy masks. I'd like to see the OAP homes add that choreography to their chairobics. The set has the vibe of a 1970s cop show. It's catchy but quite repetitive

13. Croatia: LELEK - “Andromeda”

The handmaids tale. Are they singing about Manchega? Our Manchega was very nice, Graham was right. Very impressive harmonies.

14. United Kingdom: LOOK MUM NO COMPUTER - “Eins, Zwei, Drei”

There's something a little Madness about this or Bad Manners. I know it won't win but I quite like it and he's working the crowd. 

15. France: Monroe - “Regarde!”

Deal or No Deal theme music to start. What a voice. I'm imagining Marie Antoinette singing as she walks to the gallows. She's very young to have a voice like that. I hope she gets a Verdi opera next.

I think I'm the only one in the house still watching even the dog has gone in the garden.

16. Moldova: Satoshi - “Viva, Moldova!”

Where is Moldova?  This is bugging me. It reminds me of something and I can't think what. Very catchy.

17. Finland: Linda Lampenius x Pete Parkkonen - “Liekinheitin”

A violinist who won't be silenced. I don't think this will sin but I can see why it will be the bookie;s favourite. Squatting violinsts always get a lot of attention. And he set fire to his house to get away from her.  Oh, Graham. We agree.

18. Poland: ALICJA - “Pray”

Scrap metal bust holder. Can I pray that it will be over soon?

19. Lithuania: Lion Ceccah - “Sólo Quiero Más”

I bet that make up is a bugger to get off. I think he needs some WD40. More impressive epaulets. Like an old film. Pain. He might want more but I think I've had enough.Thank you humanity. Oh dear.

20. Sweden: FELICIA - “My System”

I thought it would happen more. After Covid I was surprised at how few people remained attached to their masks. I thought it would become a fashion accessory for kids when they became teens but I really don;t understand why you'd choose to wear one to sing. You're in my head my heart my body parts. That's a weird lyric. 

21. Cyprus: Antigoni - “JALLA”

She has a very shiny body. Jala Hopa. Twelve points from Greece.

22. Italy: Sal Da Vinci - “Per Sempre Sì”

Italy won our cheese contest. I wonder how the song will do.

The dancing is great. I like the song. Our family are in a wedding era, so maybe we are biased. The bride with an Italian flag inside her skirt. Very Strictly, meets Bucks Fizz.

23. Norway: JONAS LOVV - “YA YA YA”

Why do leather trousers put me off so much. This sounds like a rape song. It might be the leather trousers talking. It's a catchy song and he has a good voice with a sandy tache 

24. Romania: Alexandra Căpitănescu - “Choke Me”

Graham says this is about being suffocated by self doubt. Let's see. She's powering the guitars with her umbillica chord. All I need is your love. I want him to choke me. Hmmm. If Evanescence were into hondage. That action wasn;t a metaphorical choking.  It was a good performance but not lyrics that I loved. 

25. Austria: COSMÓ - “Tanzschein”

The final song!!!!! I love Eurovision but I'm always excited for the final song. I've never got my dance licence. I have two left feet. I love this dance, though. I might add it to the year 5/6 show. It's very jiggy.

Our favourites are Bulgaria Greece France, Italy, Australia, Finland, Malta and Norway  But we suspect that Australia might win. 

I don't know how people pick.

Save all your kisses for me by Lordy has been my favourite thing of the evening. 

Well, those viewer votes really do change things. phew. Well done Bulgaria. Bangeabangra!