How to make a tribe

 When I haven’t written a blog for a while I find I’m overwhelmed by knowing where to start. So much and yet nothing has happened, all at the same time.

I could write about the books I’ve read this holiday (lots), the words I’ve written (not enough), the Long Suffering Husband’s birthday, a visit to the British Library, the tidying intentions that failed to materialise, a musical I wouldn’t recommend, politics (particularly that Liz Truss is claiming she can’t wait to ‘follow through’) or the weather (the Maldon umbrella is working too well). However, like most of you, I’ve spent far too much time on social media, so I’m going to talk about something I’ve noticed.

You would think that with all the information at our fingertips we would be enfranchised to make our own decisions. If you’re not sure how to put up a shelf, you can check it out on YouTube; get tips on cleaning from TikTok; join a group on Facebook to support you with parenting decisions or get dog training tips from Instagram. Easy, right? You never, again, have to learn from your costly mistakes. You don’t have to wait for the library to open; don’t even need to read; just click and watch a short video (which is now called a reel). 

This is great, right?

Except.

Humans are stupidly tribal.

And we love the negative.

The successful groups or accounts spend quite a lot of time telling you about all the idiots that do it wrong. Lucky you, you’ve picked the right tribe, you are going to learn how to be on the right side because god forbid you make the wrong choice. It will be the end of the world if you use bicarbonate of soda to clean your shower, rather than white vinegar. And if you think that’s bad, can you imagine the horrors of picking the wrong tribe and ending up with a child that doesn’t know the complete works of Shakespeare before they are 5? Or you have a dog that knows it’s doing the right thing because you say ‘good’ rather than ‘yes’ or use a clicker.

Maybe you’ve picked a tribe because you agreed with one thing. Maybe you wanted to pluck your eyebrows a certain way. Then before you know it, you are feeling uncomfortable because you use a razor to shave your legs. Now, you are one of the stupid people that your tribe are laughing at. What do you do? 

You could change your habits or keep quiet and pretend you are using the electronic pumice stone that your tribe swear by. Whatever you do, though, don’t tell anyone that you are going to do it a different way, unless you are prepared to start a new tribe and waste most of your life criticising everyone else.

I say all this as someone who nearly fell into a dog training cult and it nearly pushed me over the edge. Anxiety through the roof. Twitching at every little thing the dog did. Was it all my fault? What had I done wrong? I became a Nazi with the LSH. He wasn’t in my tribe, so I could treat him badly. 

“You can’t do that. Don’t throw a ball. What did you do that for? Don’t you know anything? If only you watched the videos then you’d know!” My eyes rolled so hard that I had a constant headache.

 Luckily for the LSH but not so for the dog, who got bored of humping cushions and took a liking to short fat female dogs, this particular tribe was against castration. Ousted for my desire not to produce accidental puppies I started to feel less anxious. 

I have suddenly remembered that we don’t need to make tribes. As Maya Angelou said, “We are more alike, my friends , than we were unalike.”