The Kindness of Neighbours

When I was growing up, it wasn’t uncommon for me to be sent next door to borrow a cup of sugar. This became a metaphor for introducing yourself to the neighbours because it was easier to ask for help than to just knock and say, “Hey, I’m Julia and I live next door.” Neighbours actually talked to each other and wanted to support. It was reciprocal too. People were never frightened to come to us and ask if they could borrow something or get some advice. I’d like to think that things haven’t changed that much. I have lent eggs, hedge clippers and drain rods to our neighbours. I have watered plants or fed cats when they are away (I’ve also killed a whole tank of tropical fish by switching on the wrong plug but that’s another story). 

The other day, on Twitter I saw a thread that made me feel sad and uncomfortable. My Twitter feed probably isn’t like yours. I follow all sorts of people; not just those I agree with. I’m particularly fond of writers who notice funny things and people who tweet pictures of animals. I’m not sure why but I’m following a sports journalist who covers New York Yankees baseball. He had posted a thread about his neighbours, who are expecting a baby. 

‘The week I got a thing in my mailbox to join a social network @Nextdoor. People in my neighborhood can alert each other about crime and stuff like that. Great idea! But today someone posted the most ridiculous thing ever (1/?)

"My wife and I are having a baby. I'm starting a meal train because it is our first and neither of us have a clue what we're doing. If you are feeling neighborly" so I clicked the link bc there is no way these people are asking strangers to make them food bc they have 1 baby(2/?)

Turns out they are in fact asking total strangers to help them and with the most millennial  phrasing I have ever seen in my life. (3/?)

Trying not to be negative, I figured maybe it's like "if you make a lasagna and make too much, we would accept it". That would be very reasonable inside a totally unreasonable ask. BUT THERE WERE 30+ SPECIFIC MEALS WITH RECIPES 

 THEN THEY LET YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DONT LIKE AND IF YOU CANT ACCOMMODATE, YOU CAN COME AND DO THEIR DISHES OR VACCUUM. WASH THEIR FUCKING DISHES OR VACUUM THEIR HOUSE?!?!?!?!?!

 This guy then tops it all off be telling us we can sign up for a day to text, and if they decide they would rather not see people, WE CAN COOK THEM A MEAL AND LEAVE IT FOR THEM IN A COOLER HIS WILL PROVIDE IN THE YARD BECAUSE HE COULDN'T BE BOTHERED ANSWERING THE DOOR’

He had got so angry about it he had gone into shouty capital letters and forgotten to continue to number his tweets. He finished the thread by saying that if he didn’t egg their house it would be a miracle. People pilled in to say how awful it was and a newspaper picked up the story, reporting the names of the parents and mocking them. 

The phrasing of the messages (he provided photos) were funny. They were terribly of our time with phrases like, “I’m teetering on a fence of emotions,” and  “if you feel like reaching out, that would be awesome.” The list of foods and recipes was particularly funny (although I do have some new dinner ideas) and I could feel myself thinking that being so specific in telling people how they could help was wrong. I bristled with the idea (that the thread poster had) that ‘they should be grateful for what they get.’ I didn’t agree with the people who thought that having a baby was no big deal and said things like, ‘it’s not as if they’ve got cancer,” because having a baby is a big deal and cancer isn’t always a special case. It’s perfectly possible to have cancer and want and be able to continue to do everything for yourself. 

A lot of people aren’t very good at asking for help. There is an idea that you should be able to carry on with everything and that if you can’t you are somehow a failure.  However, a lot of us would like to help and sometimes don’t because we don’t know what to do.  “Just let me know, if there’s anything I can do,” we say. We mean it but then would we feel cross (as this man has)  if the reply came back, “Yes, thank you. Could you cook me a Quinoa stew using the linked recipe.” ?

When mum was ill people would turn up with cakes that none of us could eat and flowers that we didn’t have vases for. I wrote a blog (funny, I hope) about bringing more useful items to a cancer deathbed (like bleach and milk - to put in the visitors tea (the milk, not the bleach!)). After that people visited with those items too and were happy that they could help.  If I had been ridiculed in the New York Post for that blog, it would have destroyed me. 

I wondered if the problem is that the personal connection has been lost. This man clearly didn’t know his neighbour and only found out that he was terrified about having his first baby by clicking a link that he thought was a neighbourhood watch scheme. I would quite like that. I’d love to have a WhatsApp group where my neighbours (even the ones I don’t know) could tell me what they need. If someone posted, “Hey, I’ve just got in and the in-laws are coming round, does anyone have cake?” I’d be thrilled at the excuse to whip up a quick Victoria sandwich. My mum’s neighbours have a similar group. In her last few days we ran out of toilet paper and we were going through a lot of it but were also trapped in the house by the business of caring. We sent a message and for the rest of the day and evening people turned up on the doorstep sombrely holding rolls of toilet tissue, which the nurses who came to give an injection and run away before they knew if it had worked found very funny. It wasn’t funny. It was the kindest thing. 

If all neighbours were equally as kind the world would be a better place.