As a mother

When Andrea Leadsom tried to become the Prime Minister she used the phrase, “as a mother.” It was odd at the time because she looked more like a grandmother and it was hard to comprehend the logic. To use that as a reference for running a whole country in a society that doesn’t value the unique skill set of a good mother seemed deluded. The suggestion that she would make a better prime minister than a woman who hadn’t had  (or couldn’t have) children backfired on her and she had to withdraw. She is still in an MP and has recently been made leader of the house. However, she hasn’t learnt her lesson and is still saying stupid things.

As a mother, she thinks that parents should be able to stop their children learning things like tolerance and compassion at school. She particularly against anything  that can make society more tolerant of anyone who doesn’t get excited about the kind of relationship she is in. In her opinion, parents should be able to withdraw their children from “exposure” to LGBT people.

Like Mrs Leadsom, I’m rather conservative in my relationships. I met the Long Suffering Husband when I was 16 and we have been very luckily happy ever since (except for a moment when he asked for his blue plates back). When I was at school, it never crossed my mind that I would have a relationship with anyone other than a man who was about my age. If I had been taught about lesbians I wouldn’t now be living with a woman called Suzie and eight cats, wearing make up and dyeing my hair purple, because that’s not who I am. However, if I was that person and I’d never come across people like me I would have thought there was something wrong with me. There are all sorts of people in the world wouldn’t it be nice if some of those people weren’t made to feel wrong?

I have never really understood why we are so keen on binary representations of the world, where one  thing is good and the other is bad: male/female, white/black, straight/gay, Christians/other religions.  Actually, I lie. I understand it perfectly well. It’s a fear of loss of power. If you are in the ‘norm’ group you are also in the group with the power. There is a strong fear that if you let the others in, the power will be lost. The people with the most power put a lot of time and money into convincing people that those not like them are bad and to be feared and most of us are silly enough to fall for it. Even those of us without power want to believe that we are superior because we fit into one of these categories.

It’s the otherness that makes us fight. We are scared of it. Understanding that people who aren’t like the ‘norm’ group are no different from you makes you more tolerant. Education is as much about exposing a child to others as it is about teaching them algebra and possibly more useful.

All this talk of ‘norm’ groups has made me think of my Dad. He was a Norm: White, male, straight, Christian. Although he grew up in extreme poverty his chances in life were better because of his  Normness and he did alright. Mostly, he was tolerant of otherness but homosexuality made him irrationally angry. We had an openly gay MP and although Dad would have never agreed with his politics he was most affronted by the man’s sexuality and was thrilled when the newspapers performed a sting to ‘expose’ him as a paedophile. He was so cross when Boy George appeared on the telly that he had to turn it off. My mum was similarly distressed by the thought of lesbians.

When I was in senior school we had an openly gay head of year. He lived with his mother in a house at the end of the road and carried his books to school in a whicker basket, held in the crook of his arm, like a modern day red riding hood. School kids were horrible about him but he was the smartest man I’ve ever met. At the time when there was an advert about real men being able to eat three shredded wheat, someone graffitied a wall, “Hope-Simpson can only eat 1 1/2.”

He loved it. If there had been Facebook at the time he would have made it his profile pic. He gave an assembly about shredded wheat and being absolutely thrilled that he was never going to be someone that ate three, not least because he would never be fat and he didn’t think anyone should waste their life eating cardboard when they could have a cream puff.  He was also concerned for the artist’s handwriting, which he said, “needed practice.”  This exposure to people who are different from you at school is important. It’s even more important if there’s a chance they might be the same as you.

As a mother, I can’t know the sexuality of my children. I know their biological sex but I don’t know how they are going to feel about that. Controversially, I don’t think how they feel is a choice. I don’t think seeing a funny lesbian playing a piano on the TV is going to make me want to be a lesbian just because I’d like to be a funny person playing the piano.  Just as, seeing a straight  woman in full make up, high heels and a dress without pockets is going to make me want to be in a relationship with  a woman because I will never again wear a dress without pockets.

As a mother, I want my children to be happy and confident with who they are.

As a mother, I want them to see that all sorts of people can have happy successful lives.

As a mother, I want all this nonsense to stop.