Exploding Breasts and Other Menopausal Symptoms (look away if you are squeamish)

Hands were thrust into the air while their owners made squeaking noises. The teacher taking assembly had asked for a volunteer to be Jesus.

"You can't be Jesus," said a little girl, grabbing her friend's arm and trying unsuccessfully to push it down, "You're not a boy!"

"Well I can! Why should boys get all the fun? I'm not sure I want to be a girl anyway."

The large number of menopausal women that I work with would agree with her. They can be found whispering in the corners of the staff room about their periods, trying not to be dramatic. They are discussing symptoms that they never thought it would be possible to have without dying.

The men walk in and walk out quickly, muttering, "I can believe the conversation I just walked in on."

These symptoms can go on for years. Hormones, trying to find a new balance, aren't just wild, they're blooming furious.

Occasionally, a famous writer gets to her late 40s and decides it's time to write a book. "What no one tells you...," she moans on Women's Hour. I am always surprised that the presenters don't punch her smug face and say, "haven't you been listening to this programme for the last twenty years?"

No one really listens. It's not wise. How would you get through all those sleepless nights, caused by children if you knew the sleeplessness that your partying hormones would cause? How would you cope with the odd twinge of period pain if you knew it might be constant in the run up to the end? How would you cope with what you thought was a heavy bleed if you knew how much worse it could get?

The problem is that I did listen so I can't legitimately jump up and down and stamp my feet, crying, "It's not fair. No one told me."

In my twenties I worked in a bank with women of many ages. "It's not the hot flushes that bother me," Sue said, throwing open the window and pushing a heap of snow off the sill. "Why did nobody tell me about the boob symptoms?"

None of us knew. We'd only really heard of the hot flushes. The 'nice' symptoms of menopause. Another, slightly older lady told us with pride about the new mattress and white trousers she's bought now that the 'flooding' is over. Us younger members of staff had heard of flooding but hadn't really considered the true horror of it. "Let's face it," she told us it just wouldn't be nice to say, 'haemorrhaging but carrying on with your day as though everything is completely normal,' now would it?"

"I can cope with that," said Booby Sue, "Maybe mine's not too bad it's just that my boobs have been growing since I was 46. It's like I've had PMT for the last 3 years. They've just kept growing. I'm 36G and even M&S can't cater for them.@

I left the bank before Sue finished plunging the office into an arctic winter at random moments, so I'll never know what finally happened with her breast situation but I thought of her as I lay in bed moaning at the Long Suffereing Husband for moving, "Can't you lie still? My boobs are so sore, they might explode!"

He rolled his eyes out loud, "I don't think you will."

"How do you know?"

He paused and checked his past experience of dealing with hormonal women.

"Well you don't know. You might not be  the first! I've read about breast implants that explode."

"It's not really the same is it?"

"Well no, but you don't know.....I wonder if anyone has thought about using breast implants to plan terrorist attacks?"

"What?"

"Well, I was thinking these suicide bombers could have a bomb hidden in the implant and no one could detect it."

I winced. "It would be a bit dangerous."

"Duh, obviously, they're suicide bombers!"

"How would they be detonated?"

"Ah, yes, I hadn't thought of that."

"Because if it was by squeezing to pop a pack of liquid to mix with something else then they could go off accidentally."

"It would be the ultimate pay back for any man who thought it was OK to squeeze a strangers breasts though."