The answer to this question should tell you two things. The first is whether you are male or female and the second is whether you want to read the rest of this blog post.
Many years ago, a teacher I knew explained to parents after a sex education video that the reason their children needed to know the word clitoris was because if you ever had a medical problem you would have to tell the doctor about it. A woman stood up adopted a pose worthy of Les Dawson's Cissie character and said, "That's not true. Last year I had to see the doctor because it hurt like hell down there. I said, "It hurts like fuck down there." She mouthed the words down there and pointed but swore loudly and proudly. "He said I had a Bartholin cyst, I tell you, it was the worst pain ever, worse than having my Billy. He told me to soak it in warm salty water for three or four days. That didn't help so I had to have a biopsy and antibiotics and Fred had to have antibiotics, as well but I never had to use that word."
If you are a man, you have more choices of euphemism and you are happy to name it and talk about it. For a woman it's more complicated. For a start there are so many more bits to name. It's often the diagram of the inside of a woman's reproductive system that makes boys watching sex education videos go a little faint. A womb, Fallopian tubes, ovaries and all the eggs she'll ever have stored inside a girl from the moment she is born. It's all too much. And then when you factor in the bits you can see on the outside, vagina, vulva, clitoris, well, it's just overwhelming. Boys can name their penis but sometimes the best thing a girl can do is to vaguely point and refer to it as 'somewhere down there.' I can understand that boys find it overwhelming, especially when they discover that their precious Dick, John Thomas or Willy will one day venture into that unknown and complicated territory.
It doesn't help that the diagram looks rather like Satan's head. www.funkyjunk.com has a perfect picture if you don't believe me.
I could list all the names and euphemisms for male and female private parts but that would be rather boring and depressing because although women have more parts to name there are more names for the male member than for all the female intricacies. No wonder women still don't have equal parity of pay.
Instead, I'm going to tell you about a new euphuism that my friends and I heard recently.
Biscuit.
That's right. Biscuit.
We weren't sure if it referred to male or female parts. We wondered if a male biscuit would be a chocolate finger and a female biscuit would be a party ring, or maybe a custard cream. You see there are even more choices of biscuit for female parts. We were all very convinced that a male biscuit would be a chocolate finger. The Long Suffering Husband suggested Garribaldi, which does make me worry slightly. Personally, I'm partial to a fig roll. The discovery of this has led to hysterical conversations with every cup of tea.
"Look, I'm dunking my biscuit!"
"Be careful otherwise it will go floppy"
"Oh my God! It's fallen off!"
On a more serious note (but not much more serious) I thought I'd better find out if this has become the latest trendy name. I need to know because biscuit is my dog's instant recall word. He knows that if I stand on the field, open my arms wide and shout,"BISCUIT," in a sing-song voice he has to stop what he is doing immediately and run to me. It works very well but I am reluctant to continue if I'm inadvertently inviting the whole world to my vagina.'
My children had never heard of it so I thought I was safe but then I discovered Honey Boo Boo, which sounds like a euphemism but is actually a TV programme about a little girl in America. Honey Boo Boo's mother uses the word biscuit and explains why.
“It’s called a biscuit because it looks like a biscuit, ya know, when it opens up, and ummmm… You know, it does. It looks like a biscuit. If you look at a biscuit, and if it’s cooked right, you know, like in, like a, like Hardee’s or something, you can . . . “
What?
Oh, I forgot. In America a biscuit is a scone that is served with a sloppy meat stew, called gravy, although it's often white, that you can eat for breakfast. That makes much more sense.
No. It doesn't.
I'm quite good a visualising things and I just can't get it. All I can think ofis yeast infections.
Maybe, Mamma June's other euphemism would be better. Fruit loop!
"A fruit loop is your biscuit," she explains to her older girls, "your privatal area....it's called that because guys go loopy over it."
I'm off to do some baking now. I think my friends and I could have hours of endless fun with these.
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