Tables

No child can leave primary school until they have made at least one table. Tables are good and not enough people are using them anymore. Too many people are eating their dinner from a tray on their lap in front of the TV. Too many people are writing their novel in bed on a laptop or writing letters (emails) from their mobile phone, whilst waiting for the toast to pop out of the toaster and we, the government, have decided that this is due to a lack of tables. 

You may argue that the world is a different place and that with the invention of trays and mobile writing devices people don't need tables in the same way as they did in the past but you are wrong. Not only that but we need imperial tables that are measured in feet and inches. It is precisely the fault of the lazy centimetre that tables became an endangered species.

Whilst we know that there will be some children who lack the physical skills required to build their own table before they are eleven, we still expect them to achieve this task, including growing and felling their own timber. If they do not manage it then we know this will be the fault of the teachers and the school's management team (who are only old teachers, after all) and we have a solution: a consultant will be sent in to take over the school.

My mate from Eton, Buffy Moreton, is an antique dealer who is suffering a small economic disaster (he had to sell one of his Porches last week) and what he doesn't know about tables isn't worth writing on the back of the envelope that I've written this policy on. For a huge fee, Buffy will be sent into the school and give a valuation of the tables made by the children. If this valuation is above the national average then the school will be safe but if not then notice to improve will be served and eventually our other mates can turn the school into an accadamy, where they will not have to make tables if they don't want to.

Buffy is confident of finding a table just like this; the Tufft pier  table sold by Christies in 1990 for $4.6 million dollars, as some schools will cheat and pass off  real antiques as the children's work.

This policy is my favourite so far. A true win win situation, as Buffy has promised me 10% commission on all finds. Teachers win too, as they don't have to keep trying to make children do things like read, write or do maths anymore and we don't have to pretend that we think they don't. 

Vote for me in the upcoming General Election. You know it makes sense!