Luckily, I have a very patient Long Suffering Husband who enjoys the sport. He forces me on a joint shopping trip to a mall on a Monday in early December by booking a day off work and we get everything before 2.30, when I have to get back to teach. Anything we don't get is bought online or by further short trips out at weekends between concerts, instigated by him. Without the LSH, no one would have any presents.
The real challenge, for me, comes when I have to go it alone. Although I laugh heartily at the stories my female friends tell me of the present disasters they have received from their husbands I know that I am a whisper away from that myself. I chuckle at the story of the husband who bought his wife a car tyre because she needed one and delight in the story of the man who bought his size 8 wife a size 22 dressing gown because that was all that was left. I have no doubt that these men love their wives and are terribly disappointed at their present buying failure. I feel their pain but I still laugh.
Concerts, parties, teaching done and it's time to buy the LSH a Christmas present. Knowing my hatred of shopping he is always very helpful and writes me a detailed list, which he gives to me in my busiest week. Often the list contains things that I really don't understand; things from golf shops or specialist DIY stores. Occasionally I have deviated from the list with disastrous results. "What do you mean, you wanted screwdrivers? Aren't chisels the same thing?" The disappointment on his sad little face, as he unwraps the beautifully packaged parcel (I may be terrible at shopping but I can do wrapping) is unbearable. Last year I went totally tonto and told him I didn't need a list. It worked reasonably well. I went for a theme of small presents. 'On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me.....'but he still has a drawer full of things he hasn't used.
This year, I'm a bit more tired and feeling much less creative. I started with the Internet and discovered that almost everything on the list was out of stock. That wasn't a particular issue because I had missed Christmas delivery dates anyway. It did give me some help as to which shops to visit. Without an Internet search I would never have discovered that "tory set draper 29117 (9 piece)" would be found in a DIY shop and was in fact torx not tory.
I cannot fault the enthusiasm and helpfulness of the shop assistants that helped me yesterday. The man in the golf shop was so excited that there was only one of the item on my list in the right size and colour left in stock, "I think you should go out and buy a lottery ticket straight away, madam. It's a Christmas miracle!" I think I exuded the air of the defeated, though when the very helpful lady in the Chelmsford branch of Debenhams said, "Oh, they've got item 4 on your list in John Lewis in Bluewater." She looked at my face, saw a wateriness in my eyes and said, "I think you need to stop for coffee. You shouldn't do shopping without caffeine!"
The man in the DIY shop was particularly
, apologetically helpful. I love to go into a proper hardwear shop, staffed with little old men in brown overcoats, where you could ask for "O's or fork 'andles and they would know exactly what you wanted. He shuffled up to me with his tablet in his hand (I love how technology has crept into the unlikeliest of places) and proceeded to help me with my list. "Torx sets? Oh look my spell check has changed it to Tory too! Well, we wouldn't have them in a set. What does he want them for?"
"I don't know, what are they for?"
"Lectricals, cars, that sort of thing. Some screws are coming with this type of head now."
"That doesn't sound right.
"Does it have to be Draper? We've got some individual Stanley ones."
"I don't know. I probably had better stick to the list. I don't think I could bear the puppy dog face if I got the wrong size"
He shuddered, "Oh, I know that one. I bought my wife some underwear one year as a surprise......never again! Let me see. You might be able to get it from our rival store but they are usually quite a bit more expensive."
"I thought it was just going to be a little present. Maybe I won't bother."
"Look! I've found one in a store the other side of Colchester." He sucked air in through his teeth, "£48, though!" He wished me a happy Christmas and I hoped his wife would love her footspa. I suspect, though, that she and the LSH may be pulling the same face on Christmas morning. The, "I love that you tried but I can't hide my disappointment" smile.
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