Zero Gravity

When films get great reviews and are tipped to win a fist full of Oscars it can be very difficult to give an honest personal opinion.  There is a touch of the 'Emporors New Clothes' about the whole thing.  You don't want to be the first person to say that the film was the biggest pile of horse poo you've seen in years, just in case you show your ignorance.  Cloud Atlas, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Matrix and Lost in Translation are all films like that.  You feel as though they must be really clever but if you are me then you probably don't really 'get' them.  Then there are the films that have had so much hype that by the time you see them they can only disappoint.  For me, The Kings Speech, Lincoln, the Curious Case of Benjamin Button and probably Titanic fall into this category.  And finally, there are big budget films that are just rubbish but no one seems willing to say so.

Today, I went to see Gravity.  The reviews are brilliant.  Every national newspaper has given it 5 stars.  Sandra Bullock is tipped for an Oscar and I would be mad to disagree with any of this.  The Telegraph reviewer said, "(it) is a heart-achingly tender film about the miracle of motherhood and the billion to one odds of any of us being here."   "You must watch this film in 3D and the bigger the screen the better.  It's a life experience you can't miss," said another review.  I was a bit concerned about motion sickness, which is considered to be the only problem of this film.  As I have been known to be sick on Dodgem cars and the chair planes at the fair I thought that spinning around in space might be a risk.  Hot Fuzz and Eragon both made me sick. The signs on the door of the cinema warned me too, so I was prepared.

Being prepared for a bit of travel sickness is one thing but nothing could have prepared me for just how truly terrible this film actually was.  I had persuaded my son and the Long Suffering Husband to go and watch the film and by the end I was almost hysterical at the look on their faces.  I had deprived them of 2 hours of their lives that they were never going to get back and I found that really funny.  Clearly, I am mad, because I disagree with every single reviewer.

The film starts with the trailer that everyone has seen, where Sandra Bullock is spun out into space and that is the best bit.  We never get to empathise with the characters.  It was impossible to care whether they lived or died.  I was quite pleased when George Clooney seemed to come back, not because I cared about his character but because I was getting a bit bored of Sandra Bullock although apparently his appearance was all in her head.
I thought her survival was completely unbelievable and maybe that is what we are meant to interpret as the 'billion to one odds of us being here' The problem is, when you know that in real life, if it wasn't a totally made up film she wouldn't have survived then the whole premise falls apart.

I had issues with the film from a feminist point of view too, which is really sad because I know that Sandra Bullock is a feminist and would have been thrilled to play a female astronaut.  The film gave us a 'softened' version of a female astronaut.  She was a doctor, working in a hospital who had only had a few months training and her appearance there seemed all very accidental.  Female astronauts (there have been 57 out of 534) have higher level degrees such as PhDs in Science or engineering, years of experience in the Navy or as test pilots.  There were medical doctors but they all undertook at least a year of NASA training and often had other degrees in Chemistry and lots of flying experience. There have only been about 7 women who have walked in space and they were all long serving military officers.  Sandra Bullock's character is given a man's name and is morbidly sad because her daughter died.  These were not the things that I really cared about though.

This is what really made me laugh:

And I did laugh.  Have you ever seen pictures of female astronauts in their vest and pants?  No, of course you haven't.  The film maker had to have her as nearly naked as he could, so he could promote the idea that this is some kind of birth metaphor.  If she could have been starkers in the foetal position he would have been thrilled but I guess that would have made the film an 18 and he'd never have received Oscar nominations then or made back the cost of all that green screen technology

She was also completely lacking in body hair, after a week in space!  I can't believe that female astronauts shave their legs, bikini line and armpits in outer space.  Male astronauts have to use a special razor attached to a vacuum to remove their beards because little stray hairs are not allowed to float around the space ship.

There will be people who are thinking that she was in her vest and knickers because she couldn't go back to her own craft and get a proper orange or blue boiler suit on.  That is true but I have checked and this is what astronauts of both sexes wear under their space suits.

This underwear is essential space kit as it keeps a space walker cool.  It has 300ft of narrow tubes running through it through which cool water is pumped.  There are vents in the undersuit that draws sweat away from the astronaut, which is then recycled in the water cooling system.  Oxygen is pulled in at the wrists and ankles to help with circulation around the suit.  She would have also been wearing one of these:

Astronauts don't take toilet breaks on their 6 hour space walks.

At the end of the film she lands in water, doesn't drown and crawls onto a sandy shore (this is probably meant to be another birth metaphor - this film maker really needs to get out more!).  The only question the Long Suffering Husband wanted answering about the film, was where the lake was.  I suggested that maybe she didn't really land anywhere but had died at the beginning of the film and it was all some elaborate dream, like Pamela had in Dallas.  He didn't care if she had.  He just wanted to know the location of the lake because he liked to look of it and would like to visit one day.  I've looked it up for him and it was Lake Powell near Utah, so maybe we will visit one day.

This film didn't make me sick but I would give it zero stars.  The only upside is that I have learnt a lot about female astronauts, what they wear under their space suits,  if they cut their hair, wear a bra (most don't bother) and how hard they have had to work to get their job.  I have read a lot about Space missions on the NASA website and I suggest that if you are interested in seeing Gravity you give it a miss and just check out the fantastic pictures and stories that NASA provides. http://www.nasa.gov/index.html#.Un__efm-3Kk

Peggy Wilson is the woman who has done the most number of space walks (5)