It is about to begin. Excitement fizzed among my colleagues yesterday.
'I can't wait!' 'I'm so looking forward to it.'
As I was leaving, several people said, 'Enjoy yourself tomorrow,' and for a brief moment I was confused.
'Where am I going?' I nearly said, thinking that I had plans to stay on the sofa for most of the day. Books have been stacking up, although I was going to walk to town to forage for cheese.
It was a lightbulb moment. Eurovision! My favourite day of the year and my enthusiasm, it seems, is infectious.
Although I haven't been blogging much (because I'm editing a long piece of work and have decided that I am a terrible writer) I have been persuaded that my unhinged stream of consciousness is something that my colleagues need in their life.
I will, as the evening goes on be adding my thoughts and no doubt will quote the UK entry several times.
WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?
For now, I'll leave you with a photo of our cheese.
Oh oh. We've fallen off a bridge. What a way to start.
The trophy is in one piece - for now.
Last year's winner. Channelling Florence Foster Jenkins in one of those fur hats we all had in the Seventies with bobbles on string. Followed by drumming and the competitors' parade. It's like the Hunger Games - our tributes look smiley. Graham says that every dancer in Switzerland is there but I think lots of people dance. Drummers, however....
UNITED BY MUSIC (I like that slogan)
I like Hazel - the one who refuses to wear high heels and is named after a nut.
Why lay it out in 3 groups of nine if there are 26? There is a lively discussion here about how weird it looks and how could you set it out better. Don't tell us we don't know excitement when we see it.
NORWAY
Fire. Dance moves, Interesting outfits. Almost chainmail. I'll be my lighter. His accent is very good. We think he might have been on the Voice. No Way = Norway.
There's bopping in our living room. Well done Allesandro.
LUXEMBOURG
Haven't qualified for Eurovision for 100s of years
Poupee de song - Puppet on a string vibes. I like it when they feature old ladies. Dr Who vibes. Sandie shaw on the screen. I like the velvet suit dancers. Poopy is getting a laugh here. This has great Eurovision vibes. OUtfit change - dance. This is great. She has a cracking voice. It's going to be hard this year.
ESTONIA
Tommy Cash. Espresso Machhiato - an Italian cliche. We are all laughing. Real Eurovision vibes. We love the dancing. This is a dance I'd like to learn. He's making himself laugh. No Stresso. la la la la la la la la.
ISRAEL
Controversial - not in Europe but a big consumer of European TV, so it counts. There are other controversies that are not for this blog but I expect there will be protests. I'm not a fan of a ballad in this competition. It's boring. Black dress, long nails, sparkly staircase. We are all giving points to the boring staircase. Not for us
LITHUANIA
It's got instruments - we usually give extra marks for real instruments but has anyone else lost the will to live? Kurt Cobain has been reincarnated. Straight jackets. Is the song about suicide? Oh bless him. He really doesn't want to be there.
SPAIN
Graham says she's a pro = seems a bit mean. She begins fully dressed but don't worry that doesn't last for long - maybe she is that kind of pro.
Nice hat. She looks a bit like Melania - is the president of the USA missing a wife. Her train was just the dancers. Everytime she walks she looks as though her knees are buckling from under her. Diva diva diva diva.
The long note was popular in the room. That was a good leap and catch. Hair twirling celebration.
UKRAINE
They are still at war. They look like they've sent their angels that were killed in the war. Drummer in powder blue. Star Trek badges. David Bowie on the USS Enterprise. The blackouts are interesting. We need someone who cares please leave. You can't knock the sentiment but it felt like two songs.
Whipping up the crowd before the UK
UK
I really like these girls. Their harmonies are tight and they are usually confident and they've worked hard but I can't be impartial.
Clutch my pearls. Skirt whipping off. Disney princesses riding the chandelier. Ethel Merman. If there's one think I'm not so keen on it's the change of time. It's giving me the goosebumps on the back of my neck. Go us!
Drinking for Terry. My first love was Terry Wogan I wrote to him every week.
AUSTRIA
Falsetto in a shipwreck. One of us likes it. Tempest vibes. Arty. These songs can win and then you wonder why. I don't like the strobing and I'd never manage in a dance club. It will do well but I don't like it.
ICELAND
Don't call them Jedward. The French teacher at school did a Eurovision lesson and the kids loved it and were singing it all afternoon. The boat is funny. The staging is really good. The ending is great. We are discussing whether it's our favourite.
LATVIA
Never never never never. Never never fish can speak. Water nymphs, kelpies. Axolotls. It's a belly dancing tune. Those harmonies have an Armed Man vibe. Tails. Now they look like monkeys. How long did you keep a sea monkey alive? That was the most distressed my children had ever been. Hypnotic. We are all in a trance now.
NETHERLANDS
Claude. We think he looks familiar. C'est la vie. It goes up it goes down. La la la la. Violins. He's a good performer. I'm engaged. That staging is cute with the mirror. The tears at the end were a bit much.
FINLAND
It's nice to see girls who eat. and she has an eye roll to envy. Wunderbar - not. Although, it has just been read in our house as Wonderbra. That was a shot - Im not sure we needed to see her vulva. This large mic stand is the only one she didn't throw away. She's giving it everything.
She's coming - ugh!
Graham is being a bit nice.
CDs - Hazel is funny. She's going to buy an old car to listen to them.
ITALY
Subtitles are part of this song. He's sitting on his foot. He should be careful when he stands up. I've done that and pins and needles won't be fun on stage. He looks like a frill-necked lizard. He's borrowed Queen Elizabeth the first's make up. Why is his friend not credited.
POLAND
She's 52 - Really. But those snow boots are impressive. Moths have been at her outfit. She's 52?
Glass boxes, a flood. She's singing about savlon. Can someone check her knees. She's 52!
A woman of many talents. Violently violining. She's 52. Mother of dragons.
Remember to enjoy them when you are young (not your children, Your knees. Cartilage doesn't last forerver.) She's 52!
GERMANY
Girl in pants. Falalala Falalalala. It's balalala - Electric cello. Crashed his cello. Another girl in pants.
Boring.
GREECE
A bridge - or is she standing on a table? Someone forgot to sew up her sleeves. Death eater. She's a very good singer. But it is boring. The birds and staging is interesting. Warbler. She looks like she needs a week.
Costume change gets extra points but a bit late.
ARMENIA
This is the Long Suffering Husband's kind of music. I'm a survivor staying aliver. I'm a survivior full of saliva. He has goat poo all over him. The LSH has a man crush. He's just said that goat man is very fit.
Staying aliver is making me laugh. That's a long note. We have to rate the costume on the pattern of goat poo.
SWITZERLAND
Anyone want fondue? There's something about the quality of her voice that makes me want to melt some cheese.
It's very brave to just sing with a couple of hand gestures. Just as we were saying it wasn't going to score highly she got angry.
MALTA
We are looking forward to this. Serving KANT - Graham said - they eat this up - LSH said, 'I beg your pardon.'
They told her that she couldn't mention the German philospher. She said that it means sing but we know.
This is catchy. She's lost her dress. We know where her Kant is. You can't argue with the power of judgement.
PORTUGAL
Miserable displacement song. They are nerdy men. It's a pet hate of mine - musicians who bang their foot to keep time. Just count in your head man! Calling the 1970s can you come and get your song and give it to David Soul.
DENMARK
It takes a few people to get her dress off. This leotard and thigh length boots look is very popular this year. I expect it will do well. She's got a great voice. Those dancers are bendy. Epic voice.
Made in Switzerland - Can that win?
SWEDEN
Sauna and a mighty fine sausage. Tiksy Toksy. I like this dancing. I could do this dancing. Sauna. It would have won Eurovision about 10 years ago but when you compare it to the vocal performances of other acts it doesn't stand a chance. It makes me laugh. I can't see the judges voting for it.
FRANCE
How much sand do you think she has in her knickers at the end of the song? The LSH says it's cork. Another beautiful woman who looks like she eats. Eurovision is a great role model for women. This is a very French entry from France. She shouldn't have had that chicken curry. Its about her being stuck in an egg time because she hasn't got enough time with her mum. Her daughter appearing at the end made it sad. Maman.
SAN MARINO
DJ - he's 52! He's at Solva woolen mill. He looks 52. David looks really ugly when he's chewing gum. There's a lesson. Even the most beautiful man rendered in marble looks bad blowing bubbles. God - My parent;s were right. Tutta l'italia. It's pick on Italy year. We like the chap playing the ocean drum. Not a big finish - a fizzle fart. Masks. Can you imagine San Marino hosting?
ALBANIA
That's a very straight fringe. I bet she's hot in gloves. He is there to hit the box. What has the box ever done to him? We are all doing the dance. She's taken over the box hitting. She does it with more wiggle, while he does a gollum impression. Haaaah. It's very Albanian.
One of them will win. That's the way it works. I wonder if Celine Dion is in her home country? They must have tried to get her.
And the votes from the AllTrades household are:
Me: 1. Malta 2. Iceland 3. UK
LSH: 1. Iceland 2. Luxembourg and Sweden 3. France and Austria
DD: 1. Sweden 2. Iceland 3. Estonia
FSIL; 1. Iceland 2. Denmark 3. Malta
DS: 1. Iceland 2. Sweden 3. Malta
But we are always wrong.
Time for more cheese.
Cheese coma.
VOTES
Three countries in and no points for the UK. Austria is doing well. I'm not keeping up.
Thank you Luxembourg They gave the UK 6 points. We are breathing again. France is getting some of the 12 points.
And San Marino 2 points.
Ukraine like us because we give them guns. I'm not against political voting now. They gave us 10 points.
7 points from Norway. Another 7 points from Austria.
12 points from Italy. Always liked Italian mice.
Another 2 from the woman from Portugal in a rug.
4 points from Denmark
It's really close. The 12 points are all over the place.
'2. Thanks Ireland, we're supposed to be friends' My family need to read more history.
Poland gave us a point.
After the jury votes. Austria in lead, with Switzerland in 2nd and UK 10th.
Jedward aren't going home with nul points
There is no keeping up with how they show us the public votes.
Malta 8 points - What the hell just happened?
Zero points for UK - Really?
That poor Austrian boy needs a wee.
Phew. Austria! Now let him go to the loo.
It's a complicated competition.