European Confusion

I might be being really stupid but I'm confused.  Tomorrow's European Union elections are baffling me for many reasons. I keep hearing people on the radio and seeing social media posts urging people to vote tactically so that they can have a 'People's Vote', make sure we stay in the EU or so that we make sure Brexit happens.  You can log onto certain websites and they will tell you the best party to vote for to get what you want.  This, you are meant to blindly accept as the truth, even though we know that polling data is notoriously unreliable.

My first confusion came because I looked at the European Elections website to find out how it all worked.

I was able to easily find out that we are voting for the MEPs to represent the East of England and that seven MEPs would be elected but then I tried to find out who to vote for by looking at the candidates only to find the following statement: "Political parties have not yet published their list of candidates.  The deadline for doing so is April 25th." How was I meant to work out who to vote for.  The lady on the radio had said that we would be going to the polls to select our candidate but how am I supposed to do that if they haven't chosen them yet.

It turns out that you don't vote for a candidate. You vote for a party.  Seems simple enough, right?
Maybe not.

Firstly, EU candidates are selected by proportional representation (PR)  This is a system of voting that we are not used to.  Very clever people who like spreadsheets are big fans of PR and they think it would give us a fairer mix of MPs in parliament.  Not so clever people (and those who vote for the candidate that always gets in) prefer our current first past the post system.  As if this difference wasn't enough to confuse you every European country can choose it's own way of doing PR.  We have chosen the D'Hondt system, which sounds very much like the Don't system.  In our area there are seven seats.  The first seat goes to the candidate at the top of the list of the party that gets the most votes.  That party's votes then gets divided by the number of candidate they have plus one.  The second seat goes the candidate at the top of the list of the party that now has the most number of votes and their votes are reduced in the same way.

Here's my simplified way of trying to understand.
There are 6 parties in my mythical election.
The Purples got 700 votes
The Pinks got 600 votes
The Browns got 500 votes
The Oranges got 400 votes
The Blacks got 300 votes
The Whites got 200 votes

The purples get their first choice candidate elected and their vote share goes down to 350, which makes the Pinks get the next seat (their first listed candidate)  and their share goes down to 300.  The Browns are next and their share goes to 250. Next the Oranges get their first listed candidate and their share goes to 200.
Now the party with the most votes is the purples again and so their second choice candidate gets a seat.  Their vote share is now worked out at 700/2+1 = 233 votes.
The party with the most votes next is jointly the Blacks and the Pinks and now I don't know how it works but I guess they both get a seat (the Blacks share going down to 150 and the Pinks share down to 200), which gives the last seat to Brown.

So, now I've got my head around the proportional representation I still have other things that confuse me.

I'm confused by the idea of voting tactically to get a Brexit or no Brexit deal.  Have I missed something? I really don't understand how voting the MEPs in makes any difference to whether we leave the European Union.  It is our parliament that have been unable to organise this thing.  The MEPs are going to have to do the job of being members of the European Parliament.  They get to put our side when making EU rulings that affect all 27 countries.  In our area the advice seems to be to vote Green if you want to stop Brexit happening.  Apart from not understanding why this will make any difference at all the Green MEP will then be sitting in the European Parliament making laws to stop you using your gas guzzling jeep or taking long haul flights for no good reasons (like holidays).  Whilst I might think this is a good idea and be happy to vote Green, you might like your big car and long flights and not really be bothered about climate change and Polar Bears.  People have argued that Nigel Farage has used his position as an MEP to bring about our country voting to leave.  I'm sure the idea of us having loads of Farages in the European Parliament fills our government with dread.  If we are going to have to continue being part of this organisation then maybe it might be useful to have people on our side who actually turn up to meetings and take the whole thing seriously.

This is why I wanted to know about the candidates.  I don't want to vote for a party who is likely to field a candidate that just takes their salary and doesn't do the job. I wanted to check out how serious they are.  I have also noticed that voting for a party doesn't always give you the truth of the candidates beliefs.  In local elections in my area I have noticed liberals standing as conservatives and much more left wing candidates standing as independents because it is such a safe Tory seat.  People who want the job will stand for the party that is most likely to get them elected.

So I have done some research, which I will share with you because I think people often don't vote because they don't understand the process or know who to vote for but please bear in mind that I know nothing and am still confused.

East of England

7 seats, 3 currently elected as Ukip, 3 Conservative, 1 Labour

Brexit Party - doesn't have a manifesto but is committed to rejecting all deals and leaving the EU on WTO terms. They particularly dislike Sadiq Kahn.

1. Richard Tice - Is really hoping to get in.  He is the current chairman of the Brexit Party.  He is 54 and was educated at Uppingham and Salford University.  He is the CEO of a property company that has a portfolio of £500million.  He is chair of governors of Northampton acadamy (one of the first) and has written a book called Academies: A Model Education.  He tweets a lot about Brexit and never pictures of cats or his children.  His personal website says, "By the age of 17 I had already earned my nickname Ticey...."
2. Michael Heaver - Is a writer who has started his own online publication called Westmonster, which has been called the UKs Breitbart News.  His articles make interesting if not a little scary reading and he describes his ethnicity as 'milk bottle white'.  I like that you could make a good limerick with his name as it rhymes with leaver.
3. June Mummery - is managing director of Lowestoft fishmarket auctioneers, BFP.  She likes fish a lot.  She failed to get shortlisted for the apprentice when she wanted Lord Sugar to invest in a fishing boat and she says her nickname is Boudicea. Her twitter feed has lots of pictures of fish and she uses phrases like, 'smoke them out' when talking about politicians.
4. Paul Hearn - Voted to remain in 2016. He cycled 800km from Bordeaux to deliver a letter to Theresa May asking for a meaningful vote on whether to have Brexit or not.
5. He believes that the politicians have ignored democracy and betrayed the voters. He says he has also woken up to the opportunities that Brexit will bring.  
6. Priscilla Huby - is a mathematician and artist who lives in Letchworth.  She is general governor of the Letchworth Heritige foundation.  She doesn't tweet much.  
7. Sean Lever - collects clocks and watches and has fallen into this role due to nominative determinism.
8. Edmund Fordham - is a physicist and engineer and he doesn't tweet.  

Change UK - Although their main focus is getting a people's vote and changing UK politics they do have a manifesto, the want to tackle climate change, want an open frictionless border to remain prosperous and healthy.  They believe in the NHS, a free press, fair trade.

1. Dr Emma Taylor - Is an Engineer  and genuinely a rocket scientist(Top 50 women engineers) and is interested in how bad Brexit will be for science and technology.  
2. Neil Carmichael - 58 year old ex- conservative MP for Stroud in Gloucestershire.  He was on the educational select committee.  He has always opposed Brexit and campaigned for a further referendum.
3. Bhavna Joshi - is interested in healthcare and particularly ageing and oncology.
4. Michelle de Vries - film score composer.  Tweets happy smiling positive things and pictures of the batmobile. 
5. Amanda Gummer -has a PhD in neuropsychology. She has a background of working with young people and is aware that getting elected is 'extremely unlikely at this time.'
6. Thomas Graham - is a passionately pro- European scout leader.
7. Roger Casale - 59 year old former Labour MP and civil rights activist.

Conservatives -are very unhappy about having to have this election. They wanted to be able to get Brexit through and so see no point in fielding candidates. 

1. Geoffrey van Orden - is one of the current MEPs, who has been doing his job.  He turns up for meetings and has worked on Foreign Affairs defence and terrorism.  He would like to reform the EU and has been trying to achieve that from the inside.
2. John Flack - is also a current MEP. He is from a family of farmers is particularly keen on animal welfare and has a dog called Noggin. 
3. Joe Rich - Father, husband, lifelong Brexit campaigner.  Barrister who tweets about fox hunting  cases.
4. Thomas McLaren - Brentwood Borough Council housing and welfare committee member.  Has 100% attendance record at council meetings.
5. Joel Charles - Deputy leader of Harlow Conservatives. He's worried about what to do with the ageing population before it's too late. 
6. Wassim Mughal - No internet presence found
7. Thomas Smith - What?  Tom, you didn't tell me.  I'm surprised.

English Democrats - have a large manifesto that is about making England great. It has some slightly weird aims, like the reunification of Yorkshire. As a Nationalist party it is very pro Brexit.

1. Robin Tilbrook - 61 year old solicitor and politician. Founder member of the English Democrats.
2. Charles Vickers - Treasurer of the English Democrats.  Lives in Letchworth.  I wonder if he knows Pricilla?
3. Bridget Vickers - Bridget's internet presence brings to you pictures of Charles Vickers.  Is he Bridget on weekends?
4. Paul Wiffen - Stood in London Assembly elections for UKip in 2008

Greens - Stop Brexit, climate change and rebuilding communities. The Greens are strong in Europe and make alliances with other countries easily.

1. Catherine Rowett Professor of Philosphy at UEA.  She's currently writing about Plato and her surname rhymes with poet.
2. Rupert Read - is without Twitter but not without controversy.  Has made some comments about Trans people that people weren't happy with.
3. Martin Schmierer - Lord Mayor and Norwich Councillor. His hobbies are films and travelling to far off lands.
4. Fiona Radic - lives in Cambridge and works in University admin
5. Paul Jeater - calls himself the Essex Womble on Twitter
6. Pallavi Devulapalli 
7. Jeremy Lloyd Caddick

Independent

1. Attila Csordas - Atilla? Really?  Did he not think of changing his name. Anyway, he's a scientist who wants to make us live forever.

Labour - want people to back them to stop far right parties winning seats.  They have a manifesto focusing on Climate Change, protecting food and animal welfare standards and promoting peace and stability across Europe

1. Alex Mayer - Current MEP.  Also from Letchworth.  I imagine her, Pricilla and Charles and Bridget having their own version of come dine with me.
2. Chris Vince - Labour councillor for Harlow.  Wants to save all the starfish.
3. Sharon Taylor - Stevenage Labour councillor.  Also from Letchworth. This is a huge dinner party.
4. Alvin Shum - keen on preventing climate change.  Professional organiser with own views.
5. Anna Smith - Cambridge City councillor proud to live off Mill Road.  Likes eating.
6. Adam Scott - English Teacher. Loves singing and eating on the side.
7. Javeria Hussain - From Luton.  Enjoying a healthy Ramadan.

Liberal Democrats - Want to stop Brexit and have clear policies on how to engage with Europe for the benefit of Great Britain.

1. Barbara Gibson - Phd in cultural communication and owns two Westies from Welwyn Garden City
2. Lucy Nethsingha - Lib Dem leader on Cambridge County Council. Has pictures of her children and trees on Twitter
3. Fionna Tod - Looks very young.  I'm getting very old and tired.
4. Stephen Robinson - Career Politician. Degree in politics. Chelmsford council, Works with kids inspire. Must have big brain as has a large forehead.  Sorry. I'm getting bored of this.  I'm sure you've all stopped reading. I expect he's a very nice man. You can look the rest up yourself if you are interested.  I've done enough.
5. Sandy Walkington
6. Marie Goldman
7. Julia Ewart

Ukip - As Brexit was their idea even though they dumped Nigel they are sticking with it.  They don't want to pay a single penny more, though, so it could be tricky.  They do have other things on their manifesto.  The one about Child Sexual Exploitation is worth a read.

1. Stuart Agnew - Current MEP and farmer.  Believe Climate change to be a scam.
2. Paul Oakley - has just written a book called, 'No one likes us, we don't care.'
3. Liz Jones - Has a picture of herself in a union flag bikini on Twitter.
4. William Ashpole
5. Alan Graves Jr
6. John Wallace
7. John Whitby

I'm not any less confused than I was before but at least you are as confused as I am - or I've bored you to sleep.

Annual Eurovision Cheese Fest

It's that time of year again, folks.

If you are new to my blogs then you won't be aware of just how much I love Eurovision.  It has been a family tradition since the children were small to eat cheese, complete spreadsheets and watch the best, most camp song contest ever invented.  So here goes.

This year it's just the Long Suffering Husband and me.  The dog isn't talking to me and the children have grown up to do their own exciting party related things.

Expect the unexpected.

A quite unexpected start.  Tel Aviv: not exactly Europe and a woman with blue lips.  Maybe she should get her heart checked. I think that's something you think when you get to my age and you see blue lips.

The expected is the sound quality seems a bit naff but the fireworks are good and Graham Norton seems to be on fine form.

My spreadsheet categories are song, costume, instruments, staging and performance.  We give points out of 10 for each and add them at the end.  I know this is biased towards those who play instruments live on stage but I'm a musician.

What does happen on third dates?  I'm old enough to think that you go to the cinema.  According to the host in the dress that makes her look naked, you get ghosted.  The LSH is thrilled that he knows what that means now that he has been educated by our lovely daughter.

Malta - Ooh.  Look at that dance.  I saw that being practised in a park in Tokyo.  Hair twiddling.  An irritating start.
The dog has commented - pew!
This chameleon thing isn't really working - her clothes are staying white. She can be a jungle.  Let's hope she'd never in a jungle, she'll be picked off by lions straight away.  She's also got two shadows.  Doesn't that mean she's the devil, or something? The crowd are having a great time.  Graham says it's one of her better performances.  No one ever wins who goes first.

Albania -  It must be very depressing in Albania.  Singing a circle of hellfire.  Albania always have very dark sounding songs.  I expect Greece will like it.  It will make them grateful for all their blue sky and sea. Do you remember Evanessance?

Czech Republic - I like these boys.  They're smiley and dressed like Star Trek characters.  I'm worried for the guitarist - the red shirt always dies.  They have instruments, which is great.  The LSH wonders why they are dressed as the Belgian flag and isn't too keen on their Dick Van Dyke accents. Only a friend of a friend of a friend.  Do you know this person?  I'm confused.

Germany - She's tired.  I know how she feels.  You've got to love those big hoop earrings if you are from Essex.  Nice harmonies but why only for three notes.  I don't think they are sisters. Sorry for the drummer?  They haven't got a drummer. It's a nice chain.  The waterfall fireworks are nice.    They're pleased with that.

Russia - I liked this a lot.  Too busy eating cheese to tell you why.

Denmark - This is a nice little Eliza Doolittle type song. and she's very pretty and has pockets in her skirt. We disagree with Mr Norton.  We like the staging and the big chair.  I don't think it will do very well and it won't get many points in my score but I'd listen to it again.

San Marino - They can't win it will bankrupt San Marino to host.  It might do well.  People like a na na na song.  There's no worries about remembering the words.  He wasn't meant to sing in tune but he's doing well.  We like this one. My daughter says that the pub she's in in London are all singing along.

North Macedonia - How many Macedonias are there now?  North North East Macedonia.  I didn't think it was that big a country.  Who are the children?  I have so many questions about this.  Normally I'd love a power ballad but I'm distracted by being able to see her bra and a need to look on a map.

CHEESE BREAK
Drinking to Terry.

Sweden - That's quite a voice but I think it is too late for love, especially if you want to splash my dog. They are pleased.

Slovenia -  These two are bit intense.  Romantic or creepy - Graham asks us to decide.  They are only 4 notes in and we've decided - creepy.  The LSH thinks he must have a spot on his chin she wants to squeeze.  What is it with all the white clothes this year?  We are desperate for colour.  This is boring as well as creepy.  He's thinking that he can leave her as soon as this contest is over.

Cyprus -  She's wearing a lampshade.  I'm a bit distracted by whether she's wearing pants or not.  The song isn't bad and she's very pretty.  I'd like to be able to wear a lampshade and look that good. They are good dancers and I like the hats.  In daughter's WhatsApp messages Cyprus has become cytomegalavirus.  She's just asked me what that is.  Worrying.

Netherlands - I'm biased against Holland because it was freezing cold when I went to Amsterdam but he is playing his own instrument and is the kind of man I like to look at with moody skies.  It's a bit boring.  Loving me is a losing game.  He's quite right.  I don't think the bookies are right.

Greece - This is weird. Fencing and singing dressed as a 1970s Wedding shouldn't mix.  Who you waiting for?  Graham enjoyed that.  He's drunk, right?

Israel - They don't want to win this. No one can host twice in a row.  That's quite a bushy moustache.  They have adopted the conservative party photo stance.  He is someone.  The LSH thinks he's Rylan.  I wish he was.  I love Rylan.  That's a bit emotional.

Norway - Extra points for Yodeling.  Fred is cool.  It's nice and poppy.  Shame it's raining.  They've lit Fred's farts.  I have a sudden urge to see the Northern Lights.

Brace yourselves.

At the MYO Eurovision last night the kids representing the UK said, "There's no point. No one votes for us anyway," and played one long note on the clarinet representing splendid isolation.
It's bigger than us.  Is it just me or has he lost a lot of weight?  Maybe an attempt to prove that it is bigger than us. He's a nice lad.  He's living his dream. Back to the Waffle shop.

Iceland - Pop Granny in the hall.  Ooh, it's a bit bondage.  It is making me laugh.  Hell has always looked more fun.  It's like Lordy. That did well.  He looked like he forgot what to do next. I quite like it.  Maybe I've had too much cheese.

Estonia - This is a familiar sounding song.  There's a lot of stage sky.

Belarus - High energy girls in pants always do well.  we have some sing along potential too.  Dum da da dum. I do like it.

Azerbaijan - Live robotic heart surgery .  I like an anatomically correct heart. This is good staging. Shut up about it.  Seems a bit rude. Reminds me of Scissor Sister.  I think it will do well.  I'm not sure about this wailing.  Impressive set of lungs.

France - I love his ballet dancer.  Do you remember the fairy in Wilow the wisp? What is the patting about? People in Eurovision like these themes of being who you are.  Could this be France's year?
I'm not impressed with yet more white outfits.

Italy - Extra points for that shirt.  I'm fed up with white.  It will do well audience participation clapping.  It's not my kind of song. but I agree it does hurt to be alive.

Serbia - Parker pens on her arms and her dress tucked in her knickers - shark tail effect.  Don't put a magnet near her.  Shouty power ballad.  That's clever - she's singing without moving her mouth.  More clouds and sky.

Switzerland - Everyone go.  I have nothing to say about this.  Meh!  They like it in the hall.  I obviously know nothing about music!

Australia - Disney princess on a pole - Frozen meets night at the opera.  This is the best ever staging. If you are going to have sky like everyone else then at least make everyone feel properly sick.  This has to win.  It's AMAZING.  I don't want to see any others.  Australia have my heart.  I don't even care that it's not in Europe.  Graham says, "If Windscreen wipers could sing." Well, they can Graham.  They can!

Spain - Celebrity squares.  You know that moment when you can't get wi-fi and you have to go from room to room.  At least there's colour.  La vida loca.  The LSH thinks he looks like a minature David Hasslehoff.  This is high energy.  It's doing well to follow Australia.  Such fun.

That's it.  Time for the votes and my scores.
And more cheese.

country	song	costume	instruments	staging	performance	Total
Australia	10	10	0	10	10	40
Russia	10	9	0	10	10	39
Netherlands	7	8	9	8	7	39
Czech Republic	9	8	6	5	9	37
San Marino	8	8	0	8	10	34
Spain	10	9	0	8	7	34
France	8	8	0	7	10	33
Estonia	9	7	0	7	8	31
Azerbaijan	9	6	0	8	8	31
Germany	8	7	0	8	7	30
Cyprus	7	9	0	6	8	30
UK	7	7	0	7	8	29
Belarus	8	7	0	5	9	29
Iceland	4	9	0	6	9	28
Denmark	10	7	0	5	5	27
Norway	8	6	0	6	7	27
Malta	5	6	0	7	8	26
Albania	6	6	0	6	8	26
Israel	6	6	0	6	6	24
Greece	5	4	0	7	5	21
Serbia	3	5	0	4	8	20
Finland	5	6	0	6	2	19
Italy	4	3	0	4	4	15
North Macedonia	5	2	0	2	3	12
Switzerland	2	2	0	2	2	8
Slovenia	0	0	2	0	0	2

This is my spreadsheet.

Spain is most popular in the London pub my daughter is in.

I love Christopher Biggins.  He should have won when he was in it.
The interval show is great.

I've just remembered that most of the votes have been during the rehearsals, so they have voted on different performances to those that we have watched.

Is that Madonna?  Never.  What happened to her eye?  I think she might have fallen on Australia's pole.
She says they're all winners but there will be mostly losers.
Is that her performance?
This project things makes me feel like I'm on holiday but they are all going to be sucked into a burning wormhole.

I'm bored now.  Still awake and missing Terry Wogan, so I'm listening to the Floral Dance instead.

The Queen herself is about to perform.

Gregorian chanting.  Seems appropriate.  She's doing a good Madonna impression.
A bit flat, off her face or a Cadbury's fruit and nutcase.  We can't decide.

Voting: 41 countries.

Portugal. A lady in a red nose T shirt. 12 points Netherlands
Azerbaijan. Skinny tie. douze point to Russia.
Malta - Ben smiley Ben.  12 points Italy.
North Macedonia - He's proud.  Nice building. 12 points Italy.
San Marino - Another nice castle.  Douze points Italy.  San Marino is in Italy, right?
Netherlands - Emma is a crazy flamingo - 'Thank you for Madonna's out of tune' 12 points Sweden.
Montenegro - Ida has lost a sleeve.  12 points Serbia.  Serbia have a lot more points than we'll get.
Estonia - She's a robot. 12 points Sweden
Poland - He's quite a character. 12 points Australia.
Norway - Alexander.  He's sweet. They gave us 2 points!!!! 12 points to Czech Republic
Spain - That dress could have been part of the set.  12 points Sweden
Austria - Equality.  They do have nice buildings in Austria, why isn't he standing in front of one.  12 points North Macedonia.
UK - Rylan and Tower Bridge.  12 points North Macedonia.  What were we thinking?
Italy.  Showing her asses by the Collesium. 12 points Denmark.
Albania - 12 points North Macedonia.
Hungary - They gave us 2 points!  Thank you for the feeblest show.  Can he say that?  12 points to Czech Republic.
Moldova - She's a bit scary.  12 points. North Macedonia.
Ireland - Sinnead - 12 points Sweden.
Belarus -  Goodnight Maria - Nice dress and they gave us 5 points. 12 points to Israel.
Armenia - another 2 points for us.  I'll say it. It's a terrible top.  A plether bib is always useful for wiping clean.  12 points Sweden.
Romania - Inca. Dressed as the Genia - who rubbed the lamp?  I love a yodler.  12 points Australia.
Cyprus - 12 points to Greece.  What a surprise.  Someone had to like it.
Even San Marino has points!

Australia -  They look a bit weird - 12 points to Sweden
Russia - It's Liberace - 12 points to Azerbaijan
Germany - Barbra.  Her eyes are popping out of her head.  It'll be looking at what she's wearing.  12 points Italy
Belgium - He's got his swimming goggles on.  He loves Madonna.  Douze points Italy.
Sweden. He's got his pyjamas on.  Sensible boy.  12 points Netherlands.
Croatia - 12 points Italy.
Lithuania - 12 points go to T shirt - Netherlands
Serbia - Dragona - mother of dragons. That's one wild fountain.  12 points to North Macedonia
Iceland - That's a hunger games outfit.  He's got a very posh voice. 12 points Sweden.
Georgia - Georgie from Georgia. Nice bow tie.  They gave us a point.  12 points to Czech Republic.
Greece - Gus.  Show off! 12 points to Cyprus.  What a surprise!
Latvia - She looks normal.  What's going on?  Oh she's singing spoilt it.  12 points to Netherlands.
Czech Republic - 12 points to Sweden.
Denmark - A viking.  12 points to Sweden.  Another surprise.  If only we were as friendly with our neighbours.
France - Good outfit.  I like to see a woman in a DJ.  Douze points Netherlands
Finland - That's quite a shell suit.  12 points Sweden.
Switzerland - They gave us a point.  That's because we like a cuckoo clock.  12 points North Macedonia.
Slovenia - Her hair clashes with her dress.  Slovenia has nice buildings.  Czech Republic.
Israel - 'Eurovision became so big and poopular.' 12 points to Netherland

Jury votes puts Sweden 1st, North Macedonia, Netherlands Italy, Azerbaijan Australia. Czech republic.
San Marino is above the UK.

Popular Public vote could change everything.
It's going to be very exciting says the man who looks like excitement might kill him.

I don't understand this bit.  Public votes for UK 3 points. Ouch!
San Marino got 65 public points.
Germany didn't get any public votes.
The public like Norway.  The public put them in first place. 
Iceland might just get thrown out for showing free Palestine banners.
Russia got 244 points.  The public like Russia too.
Czech republic got 7 points. - Really?  What were the public thinking
Australia 131 points.  They haven't won.
Italy 253 points - in the lead. 
Netherlands - 261 points - they are now in the lead.
North Macedonia - 58 points - lost it.
Sweden - need 254 votes
The tension
Get on with it.
Just tell us
93 pointss

NETHERLANDS - My voting system isn't too bad. I had them as joint second with Russia.

Poor old Michael.  Shall we all go to the waffle bar? It was a terrible song - not as bad as Slovenia but still awful.

Zebra Crossings and Planet Child

Last year, when my brain was completely broken, I couldn’t stay inside and communication of any kind was impossible. I would wrestle myself out of my sleepless bed and walk. I’d take the dog until he started to limp but I would take him home and carry on walking. I didn’t particularly go anywhere; no destination in mind except freedom from my own thoughts. This is when I came across the problem with zebra crossings in our town.

Lots of people are talking about the TV programme ‘Planet Child’ that was on ITV during the week. It was about giving children freedom so that their brains can develop properly. Anyone who has been teaching for a while can see that since children have been given less and less freedom at home they are more needy, more anxious and less able to problem solve. Unfortunately, it doesn’t mean that teachers are any more likely to give children freedom. In fact, the latest psychological fad - Cognitive Load Theory (CLT) - is more likely to have children sitting in rows, silently working from the same textbook in rooms with plain walls. The pressure on schools to achieve league table results has also resulted in massive cuts in children’s free time: before school booster sessions, shorter breaks, clubs at lunch and after school and revision sessions in the holidays.

It was an amazing programme and watching five year olds navigate their way across London alone, using maps and buses was jaw dropping. I’m a big fan of giving children freedom to grow their brains. When I was growing up we were out and unsupervised all day long. We did dangerous things. My sister and I were telling our parents at one family dinner about how we had built an underground den in a pile of earth that was just down the road from us (soon to become a new roundabout). They were horrified. We had dug tunnels and caves in this mound and took comics, candles, sweets and fizzy pop down there. My adult brain knows the risks and thinks, “cave ins, carbon monoxide   poisoning and just being in a small enclosed space with the boy who had the shovels who I believe is
 now in prison for murder.” As a child, though, you are fearless and so I learnt how to not annoy a psychopath and all about lintels.

 It’s hard as an adult to let your child experience the risks you can see. Death is such a big fear in our society (wow, who knew I could make every blog about death?) that we do anything to avoid the risk of it. In Swallows and Amazons when mother writes to father to get permission for the children to go out on the boat alone he writes back, “Better dead than duffers.” What parent would think that now?

One of the comparisons that was made in Planet Child was between Japanese and British school children. In Japan children go to school on their own from the age of five. It’s something we noticed when we were there: tiny children in military style uniforms with a backpack the size of the Narnia wardrobe, navigating the buses and subways of Tokyo alone.
In the programme they stressed how busy and scary Tokyo was and sort of implied that British parents should just chuck their kids in   London and they would be fine because Tokyo was bigger. This isn’t true. Tokyo might be big but it’s safe. They don’t have a problem with drugged up homeless people sleeping on the streets (they have near full employment). It’s clean and tidy (you’ve never sen so many people with a broom) and the Japanese people are more polite and helpful than you can imagine. If a child got lost in Tokyo then seven people will have helped before they had even realised they were lost. I know this because on one day of our holiday the Long Suffering Husband had left me in a pharmacy buying tubi-grip bandages (as I had broken him by making him climb mountains) while he went back to the hotel for something he’d forgotten. It took him longer than expected and while I was waiting outside the shop people kept trying to help me. They thought I was lost. Even when I explained that I was waiting for someone one man  got to the end of the road, looked round to see I was still there and came back because he didn’t believe me. Starbucks must do very well out of foreigners trying to avoid being helped. The biggest crossing in Tokyo (Shibuya Crossing) is often cited as the most mad complicated crossing in the world; known as the Shibuya  scramble but even that crossing felt safe.

Tokyo also drastically reduced their road traffic accidents in 2015. Now, if a car kills a pedestrian it makes headline news and is usually caused by an old person losing control at the wheel. They seem to have worked out that if they can see a risk to their children then the answer isn’t to keep the children from experiencing the risk but to reduce the risk.  Every crossing in Tokyo is safe. The zebra crossings also have lights on them and the big ones have traffic Jedis. Everyone follows the rules. No one crosses early or risks a late run for it. Even cyclists stop.

Here, no one follows crossing rules. Pedestrians cross whenever they like and, as I discovered,  car drivers don’t stop at zebra crossings and become furious if they have to. One day, when I was walking I already on the third white strip when a car sped up towards the crossing. As I wasn’t particularly keen on getting run over (although if I’m honest that was only because it wouldn’t have guaranteed death) I stopped. The driver saw me and slammed his brakes on, car bouncing at the edge of the stripes, so I walked across. The driver was incandescent. He wound down his window and leaned out, shouting, “well, don’t thank me then!”
I found this very distressing because I couldn’t thank him. I couldn’t talk to anyone or look at anyone, so thanking him, even if it had occurred to me wasn’t possible.  I stewed over it for a few days thinking that the rules are that drivers should stop for anyone standing by a zebra crossing but I wondered if I was wrong. I posed the question on Facebook: “Can anyone tell me when it became a thing to thank drivers for stopping for you when you are crossing at a Zebra?” The response was vitriolic. It turned out that people thought I was the worst person in the world for not thanking everyone who stopped. People commented that they taught their children to thank drivers and were always pleased that children from the local senior school always thanked them when they stopped.
I thought that I'd never be able to go out again. I was trapped by my mind and the fact that you now had to thank drivers for not running you over on a zebra crossing.

Now that my mind is better I'm still walking a lot and people still are not stopping at the zebra crossings.  I have taken to making appropriate gestures at them because I think if you have to wave 'thanks' if they stop you then there is no reason to sarcastically thank them for not stopping.

If we are teaching our children to be grateful for not being run over on crossings then we are also teaching them that there are no safe places to cross the road and that when they start driving it's okay to run over people if they don't thank you for stopping.  The emphasis on keeping the children safe has fallen to the wrong people.  It's not the pedestrian's responsibility to keep the driver happy.  If we want to give our children freedom to develop their brains then we also have to start obeying traffic laws with no agenda.