What I've learnt about canalboat holidays

1.        Don’t believe the brochures when they tell you it’s the most relaxing holiday you’ll ever have.  It’s not.  It’s hard work and stressful.  It is fun and you won’t be bored but if you want relaxing then you need to go and lie on a beach in a hot country.
2.      Narrowboats are narrow.  I know that sounds obvious but the thing they don’t tell you is that they are only narrow on the inside.  They are not narrow enough to glide into locks without you scraping the sides or pass other boats without the odd bump but they are too narrow to let two people pass on the inside of them without jumping on the bed or the table or the cooker!
   
   
   
   
3.              Narrowboats (probably all boats) steer the wrong way. If you want to go left then turn it right. 
4.        The engine is quite loud and the driver can shout whatever instructions he likes to his lock keepers and they won’t hear him.  This can be a bonus on both sides.
5.       It is perfectly possible to get seasick when moored up overnight on a stationary boat.  I managed to be sick four times on my first night and dreamt of slowly drowning in a sealed coffin when I was able to sleep.  “You do get used to it,” people said and that is true I was never sick again but I was always very glad to get off to open a lock.
6.       The problem with getting used to the rocking of the boat is that when you get off the world still rocks.  Maybe that’s not such a problem – the world does rock.
7.       Opening locks is rather like pushing a grand piano around a church.  It takes lots of effort to get it going but it does go eventually. 
8.      People who go on canal boats don’t appear to be very musical.  I didn’t meet one person who understood my piano analogy and one person even said, “the best thing to do with a piano is to chop it’s legs off and burn it!”
9.       There are funny words in canal boating like windlass(a big metal key thing) , paddle (more like a little door in the lock I think) and others that I can’t remember.
10.       Lock openers get bruises.
    
11.      Narrowboats move slowly.  This is probably where the ‘most relaxing holiday you’ll ever have’ comes from.  They chug along and you can walk faster.  If you are used to being able to pop to the shop for a bottle of milk or travel bands (to combat the nighttime nausea) it can be hard to get used to the fact that you can’t until you get to the next town, which might only be two miles away but could take over an hour to get to.
12.      There are complicated rules in a narrowboat traffic jam about not stealing someone’s water.  I still don’t understand this but I know they exist and that ‘beginners’ are rather prone to it.
13.       Driving the boat takes concentration.  I can’t comment more on this as I left that job to the Long Suffering Husband but I do know that every now and then we’d bump into something and he’d say, “sorry, I lost concentration.”
14.       Wind affects the steering of narrowboats and you can guarantee the wind will blow just as someone is watching you.
15.      You learn how to tie knots quickly and soon learn that the middle rope is the one to use first.
    
16.      You can’t steer narrowboats backwards and it is possible to get stuck across the canal, especially if people are watching (therefore it’s windy), the canal is shallow (and you wonder if you are stuck on the bottom) or the canal is lined with small but expensive plastic boats. 
17.      You ask each other the following question at least 6 times a day: “Have we got insurance?”
18.       Just as you think you’ve got the hang of opening locks you encounter a different type; a double lock or a lock with side ponds you have to empty and refill several times.  If you do these then you probably won’t get confused and do it all in the wrong order causing the boat to get stuck and the LSH to shout expletives at you (which luckily you can’t hear – see number 4)
19. There are no directional signs on canals and you can miss your turning quite easily if you are doing a loop.  There are lots of unhelpful signs on canals like, "Don't enter tunnel unless it is clear." and although this sounds very logical you can't see the other end of the tunnel to know if it's clear.
    
20.       The people you meet on the canals are mostly friendly; always talking to you.  They are mostly middle class and will roll their eyes at you if you have a loud Liverpudlian accent and 5 children.  They will watch you struggle to open the paddles or push open the lock gates and give you lots of friendly advice. They love nerdy teenage boys and will spend the time it takes for the lock to fill up giving careers advice and saying things like, “You simply must go to Oxford, young man, then you’ll be made for life!”
21.      Not all dogs (or possibly people) enjoy canal boat holidays and just spend their time being anxious, crying and pretending to develop a limp.
    
22.      People (or dogs) who go on a canal boat holiday who don’t drive the boat or open the locks can get a bit bored and lonely.
23.      You will enjoy the British Countryside in all weathers.  Don’t think you will be stuck inside a narrow canal boat looking at the rain.  Oh, no.  Stopping is stressful and you have to keep going because your boat has to be back by 9.30 Saturday morning, you can’t drive at night and it takes 4 hours to travel a mile (they say 4 miles an hour but who are they?).  You might be standing in the pouring rain, with the sound of thunder all around, the sky illuminated by lightening with a big hunk of metal in your hand but that lock has to be opened.  The alternative of stopping nowhere near a pub with warm food and gin and tonic is, quite frankly, unthinkable.
    
24.      Canal boat fridges are unreliable.  You will drink black coffee for a whole day or maybe longer (because of number  11) when the alternative is lumpy milk.
25.       Canal boats on rivers are just the best thing ever.(No locks, wide open space)
    
26.       The British countryside is stunning.  Green and brown are two colours that go together beautifully.
27.      There are only so many times your family can argue over whether it is a coot or a moorhen.
28.      Reed warblers are smaller than I thought they were.
29.      Herons spook easily.
30.      Ducks look like they are headless when they are asleep.
31.      Stinging nettles can grow anywhere.
32.      Swans are clever enough to be by your boat at breakfast time for toast crusts but silly enough to get themselves trapped in locks.
33.       Jumping on and off boats gets easier with practice, especially if your driver is like the LSH and doesn’t really do stopping.
34.      The engineering genius of the people who invented canals and locks will make you marvel at every lock.  They made water flow uphill!
35.       9pm isn’t an early bedtime when you’ve been canal boating all day.
36.      Pubs near canals have wild parties and music until 2am but if you've been driving the boat or opening 44 locks in 4 days and being shouted at for stealing someone's water then you won't have the energy to take part and the noise will just become part of your psychedelic rocking dream.